


Perhaps, the End of the Beginning

by auddity



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Hair-pulling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders' Era, Oral Sex, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), because down with toxic masculinity, first order of the phoenix, marauders are physically affectionate with each other, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-21 04:37:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13733298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auddity/pseuds/auddity
Summary: The ridges across Remus’s body caught the morning light, shadows written like a secret script just for Sirius. He wanted to touch every inch of him, to read those lines like Braille.A series of snapshots between Sirius and Remus as their relationship changes and grows from their last years at Hogwarts into the rise and fall of Lord Voldemort.





	1. March 1976

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! How did I JUST discover my love for this ship?? I'll do my best to keep the timeline straight, but the Marauder Era is such a relatively unexplored corner of the HP universe. Excited to get my toes wet!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius visits Remus in the Hospital Wing after the infamous "Prank."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to anyone who claims Wolfstar could never have happened because of the Prank.

Sirius huffed in frustration. He’d snuck into the Hospital Wing after he saw Dumbledore leave, but he hadn’t been fast enough to reach Remus before Madame Pomfrey had administered a Sleeping Draught. Now he was crouched in the shadows like an idiot, waiting until he was sure the Healer had gone to bed. Once all was quiet, he pulled a chair next to Remus’s bed and resigned himself to a long wait - call it penance for what he’d done. He certainly deserved worse than this. 

The rustling of the crisp, starched sheets woke him. Sirius raised his head to see Remus stirring at last. Obviously, he’d fallen asleep at some point.  _ Quite the vigil _ , he thought bitterly. Sirius jumped to his feet and bent closer to Remus.

“What are you doing here?” Remus asked hoarsely.

Sirius couldn’t quite determine if his tone was cold or simply curious. “I wanted to- I mean, I thought maybe, I, ah,” he stammered incoherently and felt a blush creeping up his face. Why did Remus have this effect on him? If either of them should be feeling vulnerable, it should be the one lying bruised and bloody in a hospital bed. But Sirius felt exposed under Remus’s unwavering gaze, and this was definitely not the first time he’d been disarmed by the werewolf’s haunted gray eyes. He sighed, admitting defeat, “I can go if you want."

“No,” Remus said softly, “You can stay.”

Sirius let out a little,  _ oh _ , of surprise. He’d already gathered himself to exit the Hospital Wing, fully expecting Remus would want nothing to do with him. He sat back down, but now that he’d been given permission to stay, shame and regret set in, blanketing them in silence like a thick layer of dust. 

“It was stupid,” he finally managed to get out.

“It was beyond stupid,” Remus shook his head, “It was reckless.” Sirius braced himself for the anger he knew he deserved, but Remus merely paused and said, “James and Peter didn’t stick around?”

Again, Sirius felt a disorienting jolt of surprise at Remus’s calm demeanor. “N-no, they wanted to, but they left after Dumbledore came in to talk to you.” He pulled at a loose thread in the blanket, desperately avoiding Remus’s gaze. “He’ll have told you what happened then?”

“Yes, I got the gist of it,” Remus said dismissively. “But you stayed?”

“W-what?”

“You stayed after Dumbledore left, even when James and Peter went up.” Remus frowned, “Why?”

_ Because I’m sick with guilt over what I’ve done,  _ Sirius thought,  _ isn’t it obvious? _ “I guess I...I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

Remus seemed to consider this for a moment. “You got detention?”

“Yes, every Saturday for the rest of term. Snape’s got them as well, although I reckon that’s part of the punishment - having to do them together.”

“Ha,” Remus uttered a sound that was too cynical to call a laugh.

“I know I’ve got off easy,” Sirius looked his friend straight in the eye now, begging for forgiveness. “I know I could’ve gotten us both expelled, but if you’d heard what-”

“Expelled?” Remus burst out, “Sirius, I could’ve been  _ arrested _ . Or worse,” he added, almost under his breath, “put down.”

Sirius paled, “No, the Ministry wouldn’t - they couldn’t. Dumbledore wouldn’t let them.”

“Dumbledore’s jurisdiction only stands as long as no one gets hurt,” Remus said quietly. “The Ministry already doesn’t like that I’m at Hogwarts, but Dumbledore assured them that I would pose no threat to the students. If I had… If Snape had been hurt, I don’t think even he could protect me.”

“But they wouldn’t…put you down…” Sirius said weakly, stomach turning at the thought.

Remus closed his eyes; Sirius had seen him in worse shape after a full moon, but he didn’t think he’d ever seen him look so thoroughly exhausted before. He looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Wizarding laws concerning werewolves are,” Remus paused, “murky at best. I guarantee you it’s happened before.”

“Moony,” Sirius whispered, the full weight of what he’d done had finally hit him. “I’m  _ so _ -”

“Don’t,” Remus cut him off again. He shifted uncomfortably in bed, wincing slightly, but his tone remained steady, “You don’t need to apologize. I suppose I should be thanking you actually.”

“Remus…” Sirius tried again.

“Thank you Sirius, for reminding me of the monster I am. Ever since you lot mastered your transformations, I’ve gotten far too lax about the full moon, but this was good, really. You might see it as a monthly excuse to get out of the castle and get into trouble, but for me it’s a risk. It’s always a risk, and one I have no choice in taking. I’d nearly forgotten that. This probably won’t be the last close call, just the first.” He took a shuddering breath, his steely demeanor finally cracking, “If I had hurt Severus… or  _ turned _ him…”

Remus broke down and Sirius moved toward him without thinking. Each sob pierced his chest like a shard of glass, but still he was drawn to Remus, moving closer until he sat on the edge of the bed. “I don’t give a flying fuck about Snape,” Sirius covered Remus’s hand with his own, “but if anything happened to you, because of something I did,” Remus raised his head to look at him, “I don’t think I could live with myself.”

“This is my  _ life _ , Sirius,” Remus whispered, “do you get that?”

“I do,” Sirius replied gravely, “I understand.”

“Then don’t you ever,” Remus’s voice shook with emotion, “ _ ever _ use me as a weapon again. I’ve been so careful Sirius, so damn careful. And you almost ruined that for me, and for what - a bloody grudge?”

Sirius found he was quite at a loss for words. Remus had done what few others had managed before him - rendered him speechless. Here was this boy, nearly a man, sitting across from him looking so frail and so miserable - someone he’d spent the better part of five years with, eating meals with him, sitting in class together, sleeping in the same room - and yet Sirius was suddenly struck by just how strong Remus Lupin was. He thought of telling him what had spurred his actions on the full moon, he could try to explain it, try to lessen his guilt by shifting the blame. But any way he framed it, it was only an excuse, and it paled in comparison to what he’d put Remus through, what he’d already been through in his young life. 

“You know I wasn’t even five when I was bitten?” Remus’s voice broke through Sirius’s thoughts. He spoke to Sirius, but his eyes focused on something far in the distance, as if trying to capture a memory. “Can you imagine that? A five-year old werewolf? Can you imagine what my parents had to do, to contain me?” Sirius gripped Remus’s hand in his own, but he remained silent. “And as I got bigger - stronger - what they watched me do to myself,” Remus continued, “because I couldn’t get to them. Well-” he shrugged in a way that was anything but casual, “you’ve seen the scars.”

Sirius enfolded Remus’s hand between both of his, as if it were something precious - almost as if he were praying over it. Still, Remus’s gaze remained distant.

“I’ve changed, every month for the past eleven years, and I  _ will _ change every month, for the rest of my life, until the day I die. I didn’t ask for this and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Yet somehow the Wizarding World has declared me a second class citizen.” Remus finally focused on him, “After we graduate, you’re going to get a job. You’re going to settle down, start a family. I’m never going to have those things, Sirius.”

“You will,” Sirius breathed, hardly convincing himself.

Remus shook his head, “Who’s going to hire someone like me? Who’s going trust me?”

“I will,” Sirius said instantly. “I trust you Remus, more than anyone - more than James, even,” Sirius added at Remus’s skeptical expression. “And I know I lost your trust, but I promise you, I’m going to work to gain it back, however I can.”

Remus hesitated, as if he didn’t dare speak his next words aloud, “Who’s going to love me Sirius?”

Before he could think better of it, Sirius leaned forward and kissed Remus firmly on the mouth. The other boy tensed under him, but Sirius reached up to cup his jaw, pulling Remus into him. To his immense relief, he felt Remus begin to relax and return the kiss. Remus reached up to card his fingers through Sirius’s hair and pulled just slightly, making Sirius shiver and deepen the kiss.

“This isn’t just because you feel sorry for me?” Remus breathed when they both pulled away panting.

“No,” Sirius assured him, and crashed back into Remus. He pulled him closer, tongue darting out boldly to gain entrance, and Sirius couldn’t believe it when Remus obliged. He licked into Remus’s mouth and sucked on his bottom lip, eliciting a soft moan from Remus that shot straight through Sirius.

“Do you have to stay here?” Sirius asked a bit desperately.

“No, no,” Remus gasped as Sirius mouthed at his neck.

Sirius sucked a mark onto Remus’s collarbone and looked up, smirking, “Well then let’s get you upstairs and in bed.”

Sirius went to check that Madame Pomfrey was still asleep, while Remus changed into his robes as fast as he could. He returned and grasped Remus’s hand, grinning as he pulled him towards the door. Remus held back.

Sirius frowned, “What’s wrong?”

Remus shrugged and muttered, “I don’t- I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

Sirius’s heart sank, “You mean with me?”

“No!” Remus exclaimed, “Merlin, no. I meant how I look.” He gestured to his complexion - skin ashen, new scratches in the process of healing, bruises around his eyes.

Sirius scoffed, “If anyone asks we’ll tell them you got in a fight with a Hippogriff,” he winked, “and won. Luckily we won’t be totally on our own.” From beneath his robes he produced the map they’d recently completed. He scanned the route, “Looks like the coast is clear.”

Remus pulled Sirius back yet again, “Padfoot,” he said softly, “this doesn’t mean I forgive you.”

Sirius nodded, but couldn’t quite hide his disappointment, “I understand. We have a lot more to talk about.”

Remus closed the distance between them and kissed him roughly, pushing Sirius up against the door. “Except I don’t feel much like talking right now,” he whispered wickedly in Sirius’s ear. “Maybe you can make it up to me some other way.”

“Wh-what did you have in mind?” Sirius stammered.

“Get me upstairs and maybe I’ll show you,” Remus smirked.

Sirius didn’t need to be told twice. He scrambled away from the door, wrenched it open, and pulled Remus down the hall. The two made it back to the Common Room in record time. Mercifully, James and Peter were still asleep when they entered their dorm. Remus collapsed on his four poster bed and Sirius moved to join him. He went to pull the curtains shut, but winced when they shrieked loudly in their track.

“Padfoot?” James muttered groggily from the bed next to them, “Are you just getting in?”

Sirius cursed silently, “Yeah, just putting Moony to bed.”

“Morning James,” Remus called and sat up in the bed.

James sat up and stretched, “You two’ve made up then?”

Sirius shot Remus a questioning look. “Something like that,” Remus said with a smile towards Sirius.


	2. June 1976

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene takes place directly after Snape's Worst Memory in OotP.

Remus tried valiantly to focus on his Transfiguration textbook as James continued to levitate Snape above a crowd of students, but Lily Evans’s words had seemed to take the thrill out of it, and James's heart wasn’t in it anymore. He eventually let the other boy down, much to Sirius’s disappointment, and Snape slipped through the crowd. “You’ll pay for this, Potter!” Snape called menacingly, although his quick retreat quite diminished the effect of his threat. James laughed it off, but Sirius’s expression grew stormy and he stalked off towards the water’s edge without a word to the others.

The circle of onlookers began to disperse and James looked down at his blood-splattered robes, as if seeing them for the first time. “S’pose I should go to the Hospital Wing and get cleaned up,” he said airily.

“You are looking a bit peaked,” Peter agreed, “I’ll go with you.”

The pair gathered their things and looked to where Remus still sat, not having moved throughout the entire altercation. “You coming Moony?” James asked.

“I’m going to go check on Sirius,” Remus nodded to where the boy sat alone a few feet away.

“Alright,” James gave him a small smile, “see you at dinner then.”

“See you,” he called as they trekked up the hill towards the castle. Remus put down his book, rose to his feet, and meandered down the sloping lawn to the edge of the lake. Sirius sat with his back to Remus, silently fuming.

“Keep that up much longer,” Remus called before he reached him, “and your face’ll get stuck like that.”

Sirius turned, his handsome features were indeed contorted into a ridiculous grimace. “How did you know?”

Remus chuckled and sat beside him, removing his shoes to dip his toes into the cool water along with Sirius. Lily and her friends had left and although there were still a few students milling about, the two of them were essentially alone on the shore. “D’know, must be my wolfish intuition. Or maybe it was the way your shoulders were hunched nearly up to your ears."

Sirius blushed, hastily hiding it with an over-exaggerated scoff accompanied by his patented eyeroll. He muttered something under his breath, and between a stream of curses, Remus thought he caught the word _Snivellus_.

“What was that?” Remus feigned curiosity. “Didn’t quite catch it.”

“Fucking _Snivellus_ ,” Sirius fumed, “Did you see what he did to James?!”

“I did,” Remus nodded, “I also saw what James did to him.”

“Well, he deserved it.”

“For doing what, just sitting there?”

“For- because he was-” Sirius struggled to explain himself, his mouth gaping like a fish out of water, “You know what Remus? Why don’t you just-”

“You know why you hate Snape, right?” Remus interrupted Sirius.

“Because he’s a stupid, slimy git - that’s why.”

Remus smiled, “Because he reminds you of you, of what you could’ve been.”

Sirius whirled around to face him, eyes wide in shock. “Take it back, now.”

“Everything you’ve worked to distance yourself from,” Remus continued as if Sirius hadn’t spoken, “your family, Slytherin, the Dark Arts - he’s chosen. He wasn’t born into that world, so he sought it out - at a severe disadvantage, mind you, because he’s Half-blood.”

“Better watch out,” Sirius smirked, “people will think you fancy him.”

Remus shrugged, “I feel for him. I know what it’s like to feel alone, to want to belong to something.”

“But you do belong,” Sirius said, frowning, “You belong to us, the Marauders.”

“And I’m grateful,” Remus looked out over the lake - it really was a beautiful day, “but I can imagine how it’d be if things were different. If I were sorted into Ravenclaw, for instance.”

“Blasphemy,” Sirius muttered.

“I’d’ve made other friends, I suppose, but I doubt any Ravenclaw would do what you lot did for me. Nor would they be so accepting of my… ‘furry little problem.’ Think about it Sirius, what would you do if you’d been sorted into Slytherin, say, and were in Snape’s place?” Remus turned to face him. “If you didn’t have the Marauders and you didn’t enjoy the level of popularity you do now?”

Sirius avoided his gaze, “I view it as more a of a service I provide - knowing me is far preferable to not knowing me.”

Remus persisted, fighting the urge to roll his eyes, “Why do you think it’s so important for you to be well-liked?"

Sirius exhaled like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. “What the hell kind of question is that?”

“A difficult one, I expect. Really _think_ , Padfoot.”

Sirius frowned, “Because I hate being alone.”

Remus shook his head. “It’s not just that. You’re fine when it’s just the four of us,” he reasoned, “You don’t need to put on a show, you just enjoy it.”

“Because…I don’t want to let people down. I want to give them a laugh.”

“Dig deeper,” Remus urged.

Sirius fell silent, contemplating. The two looked out over the mirrored surface of the lake for a moment until Sirius finally spoke. “If I don’t give them a spectacle, then I’m afraid people won’t like me. And if they don’t like me, then, then they’ll see me for who I truly am.”

“And who is that?” Remus prompted.

“A Black,” Sirius admitted bluntly.

Remus waited awhile before answering, letting Sirius come to terms with what he’d just verbalized. “You know you’re so much more than your family, right?” he whispered. “And where you come from doesn’t dictate where you’re going.” He paused, “At least I hope it doesn’t, for my sake as much as yours.”

“Shut it Remus,” Sirius turned and ruffled his hair, “You’re the best of us all.”

“Twenty nine days out of the month,” he replied dolefully.

“That’s what makes you so good - that one day,” Sirius’s hand lingered in Remus’s hair, fiddling with his sandy waves. “You’d been through more by the time you were five than most of us see in a lifetime.”

Remus looked around wildly and tried to evade his touch. “Sirius,” he hissed, “someone might see.”

Sirius eventually lowered his hand, but not before trailing his fingers along the curve of Remus’s jaw. “Are we not going to talk about it then?”

Remus turned away and stared across the water again, willing his heart to slow down, as it was currently threatening to burst from his chest. “What’s there to talk about?” He’d aimed for nonchalance, but neither of them were convinced. They both knew exactly what Sirius meant; the kiss they shared in the Hospital Wing and what could’ve happened afterward, before James woke up and the spell was broken. Since that night, Sirius had crept into Remus’s bed after each full moon, unbeknownst to James and Peter. It hadn’t progressed beyond holding each other until they both fell asleep, but there was certainly a tension between the two of them that hadn’t been there before. By now it had become habit, but neither had spoken about it. Each month, Remus convinced himself that Sirius wouldn’t come, but each month, he had. Remus supposed they’d have to acknowledge it eventually, especially since they’d be home for the summer holidays by the next full moon, but he’d been resolutely ignoring it until now.

“Whatever’s going on between us - the kiss,” Sirius elaborated unnecessarily.

“That was months ago.”

“Oh?” Sirius arched an eyebrow, “And I suppose it’s normal for mates to sleep in the same bed once a month?”

“Sirius-” Remus warned.

“I don’t mind,” Sirius turned his back to the lake so Remus was forced to catch his gaze, “I like it actually, I like being there for you after the full.”

Remus closed his eyes and exhaled harshly, “Sirius...I can’t-”

“It’s alright if you’re not ready…” Sirius faltered, “If you’re not ready to talk about it.”

Remus shook his head, “I appreciate everything - everything you’ve done for me, but…”

“Do you want me to stop?” Sirius tried and failed to conceal the hurt in his expression. The truth was he didn’t want to stop. He’d never admit it, but he needed those nights after the full moon just as much as Remus did - possibly more.

“No!” Remus replied quickly and was rewarded with a dazzling grin from Sirius. “But if we’re to keep this up...that’s all it can be, yeah? Just two blokes sharing a bed because one of them is sore from contorting his body once a month.”

Sirius nodded wordlessly.

“At least for now,” Remus added in a whisper.

“For now,” Sirius echoed with the hint of a smirk.

“Oi,” Remus chided, “don’t go getting any ideas.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He stood and offered Remus his hand, “Come on. If we hurry we can still fit in a bit of studying before dinner.”

Remus allowed Sirius to pull him up, shocked. “Did I hear you right? Are you actually going to study with me?”

“Maybe I just want an excuse to stare at you for a few hours,” Sirius winked flirtatiously and jogged up the hill.

“Bloody hell,” Remus muttered under his breath, but he couldn’t contain a smile as he trudged after Sirius towards the castle.


	3. November 1976

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As war looms closer, the boys are forced to confront their feelings when Sirius creeps into Remus's bed on what is most decidedly NOT a full moon.

Remus woke to the gentle press of cold fingers against his arm. The bed dipped behind him and he felt Sirius slip under the covers. He lay close to him, but the only point of contact was his hand on Remus’s arm, gripping ever so slightly. “Hey Padfoot, you alright?” he mumbled without turning around.

“I couldn't sleep,” Sirius whispered, “D’you mind?”

“No. Hang on,” Remus reached for his wand on the bedside table. He made sure the curtains were drawn tightly shut before he cast a wordless Imperturbable Charm around the bed.

“You’re getting really good at those nonverbal spells,” Sirius muttered. “McGonagall would be proud.”

“You think she’d approve of the application though?” Remus couldn’t help but smirk into the darkness as he lay back down; they were definitely closer to each other than before he’d got up.

“Hey, she said we’d have to begin to move from theory to practical usage. It’s her fault she didn’t specify which situations she deemed appropriate.”

“I hardly think this is what she had in mind,” Remus chuckled. Their laughter faded and the only sound was their breathing. Sirius shifted closer to Remus, his hand snaking its way around his hip. Remus shivered at the feeling of Sirius’s breath on the back of his neck and prayed Sirius couldn’t feel how fast his heart was beating. Sirius, however seemed more relaxed now that they were closer together. His toes skimmed the bottoms of Remus’s feet and he sighed contentedly when he rested his forehead between Remus’s shoulder blades.

Remus didn’t want to disturb him, but as time stretched on with no explanation from Sirius, he grew more restless. This certainly wasn’t the first time Sirius had crawled into his bed, but they usually only reserved this behavior for after a full moon, and they _definitely_ didn’t acknowledge what sharing a bed might mean, verbally or otherwise. Besides their non-talk at the lake last June, they’d avoiding discussing it, carefully skirting around it in the letters they exchanged over the summer. Once the school year started it was easier to pretend nothing was happening because nothing was - except for that one night each month. They’d been careful to conceal this development in their friendship from James and Peter, always casting a Imperturbable Charm and creeping back to their own beds well before the other two were up. It’s not that they were ashamed of it - nor did they really think James and Peter would have a problem with what they were doing - they just hadn’t really decided amongst themselves what exactly it was that was happening between them. But lately Remus couldn’t deny how good it felt to drift to sleep with Sirius’s arms around him, or the sparks that shot up his arm when Sirius’s hand brushed against his when they both reached for an ingredient in Potions, nor could he help the way his gaze lingered a little too long on Sirius when they sat across from each other at breakfast. For the first time in his life, Remus found himself actually looking forward to the full moon. Not for the transformation it brought, but for the time he spent with Sirius afterward, just the two of them. More and more he’d longed to tiptoe across the floor of their dormitory and crawl into Sirius’s bed with him, moon be damned, but thus far he’d always restrained himself. Now here Sirius was, on what was most definitely not a full moon, for the first time seeking comfort from Remus instead of giving it to him. Remus wondered what had prompted this late night visit, not quite daring to hope that Sirius had been struggling with the same things he’d been feeling.

Summoning his courage, Remus rolled over to face Sirius.

“No, honestly, just go back to sleep,” Sirius urged him. “You don’t have to-”

Remus ignored him. “Are you going to tell me why you're here?”

Remus could’ve sworn he saw a blush color Sirius’s cheeks, but it was too dark to tell for certain. “I just…” Sirius hesitated. ... _needed you_ , Remus wished he’d say. “…couldn't sleep,” Sirius finished.

“So you said,” Remus prompted patiently, trying to squash his disappointment. This wasn’t about him or his feelings - Sirius was here for a reason and he needed to discover what it was, even if it wasn’t the answer he was hoping for.

“Remus…” Sirius whispered, almost pleading.

“You don't have to tell me,” Remus found his hand beneath the blankets and held it, “but I think you want to.”

Sirius fiddled with Remus’s hand, twining their fingers together, then apart again, avoiding Remus’s questioning look. Remus allowed him time; five years of hard-won experience had taught him that Sirius Black rarely did anything he didn’t want to do. It was best to wait for him to speak, attempting to force it out of him rarely produced the desired results.

“I-” Sirius faltered, still not meeting his gaze, “I went down to the kitchens earlier - fancied myself a late night snack after I finished that odious essay for Binns - and I overheard a group of Slytherins whispering in the corridor leading to the Dungeons. I was about to levitate my food above them for a classic Puddingbomb Prank, but I realized Regulus was with them. I moved closer to look around the corner and he was with a bunch of Seventh years - Mulciber, Avery, a few others. They were trying to intimidate him, get him to do their coursework or something, but he said they’d better back off if they knew what was good for them. I have to admit, I didn’t think Reg had it in him to stand up to them. But then he…” Sirius’s voice broke, “he showed them his _arm_ , Moony.”

Remus gasped softly, they’d both heard tell of the brand that was becoming more common among a certain crowd. “We don’t know it was the Mark-”

“I saw it, Rem,” Sirius choked out, “it was the Dark Mark.”

Remus pulled him tighter against him, at a loss for words. He stroked Sirius’s hair as the other boy buried his face into the crook of his neck.

“This is my fault,” Sirius whispered against his skin. “I knew things would be tough for him at home this summer after I left, but I never thought…”

Remus shook his head, “You can’t blame yourself for Regulus’s choices.”

“If it even was his choice,” Sirius muttered.

Remus frowned, “You think your parents put him up to this?”

“Maybe,” Sirius paused, “Even if he _thinks_ this is what he wants, he’s fifteen! He doesn't have a _clue_ what he’s signing up for. He’s going to get himself killed.”

“Maybe you should talk to him,” Remus suggested. “I’ll go with you if you want.”

“No!” Sirius sat up. “No, Remus,” he placed his hand on Remus’s chest, “I don’t want you anywhere _near_ him. Snape already knows about you because of me, but if the Death Eaters found out…” Sirius shuddered at the thought, “I can’t risk putting you in danger like that.”

Remus sat up, shaking off Sirius’s touch, “I can take care of myself. You don't have to protect me.”

“Yes I do!” Sirius tried to catch Remus’s eye, but he scowled stubbornly at the hangings at the foot of the bed. “It's my fault that your secret got out. I don’t care what Dumbledore says, it’s only a matter of time before Snape lets it slip. Hell, they might already know! He might be a bloody Death Eater too for all we know.”

Remus whirled around, grateful for the charm, or else James and Peter would’ve surely woken up by now. “Oh yes, it’s your fault I’m at risk, just like it's your fault Regulus joined up, because it’s always all about you, isn’t it?”

“What?” Sirius frowned, confused, “Moony, no, listen to me-”

“No, Sirius, you listen to _me_!” he was well and truly yelling at this point, wondering how things had escalated so quickly. “I am tired of you treating me like I’m some delicate thing that’ll break at any moment. You hover around me as if you're scared to let me out of your sight.”

“It’s because I care about y-”

“Please,” Remus scoffed. “Look, I get that you still feel guilty about what happened, but don’t make me the object of your guilt and then tell me it’s because you _care_.”

He shook his head, “You didn't let me finish. I care about you as - as more than just a mate. I care about you like…” he fumbled for the right words, “like James feels about Lily. And it makes me sick to think about what I did to you. Maybe I’m just as bad as my family-”

“Don’t do that,” Remus said harshly, “don’t feel sorry for yourself. Don't make this about you.” His words hung heavily in the space between them, so he added, “You know you're nothing like them.”

“You're right,” Sirius sighed. His tone was so uncharacteristically soft that Remus turned to face him, despite his frustration. “What I'm trying to say is… Remus, I fancy you. I’m mad about you, actually. And I know you didn’t want to talk about this, and I probably ruined this before we even got started, but-”

“Sirius, I fancy you too,” Remus said quietly. All his anger suddenly bled out of him, leaving him feeling vulnerable and a little shaky.

Sirius’s eyes widened in shock, “You do?” He scrambled to move closer to Remus and grasped his hands in a way that would have been comically dramatic if the moment weren’t so intense.

“Of _course_ I do,” Remus clutched Sirius’s hands in his, heart hammering. “Why do you think I wrote you all those letters this summer?”

Sirius shook his head, incredulous nearly to the point of being giddy, “I wasn’t sure. I was honestly just glad you were still talking to me.” He seemed blindsided - obviously this hadn’t been the direction Sirius had expected their conversation to take.

Remus took a deep breath to steady himself, especially since he could practically hear Sirius humming with excitement next to him. “Look, if we’re going to do this - if we’re going to…” he nearly lost his nerve, but he forced himself to press on, “...be together...I need you to stop blaming yourself. I’ve forgiven you, now you have to forgive yourself. And I need you to treat me like your equal, not someone you have to take care of.”

Sirius went quiet, trying to absorb what Remus had said. He waited a beat, then lifted his hand to tilt Remus’s chin so he gazed right at him, “But I _want_ to take care of you Remus.”

Remus felt his breath leave him. He was stunned by just how _candid_ Sirius was - just how far he had opened himself to Remus. He was sure he was the only one who had ever seen this side of Sirius before, not because of anything Remus had done, but because of who he _was_. Sirius had, for reasons Remus couldn’t quite comprehend, deemed him worthy enough to reveal himself entirely to Remus. And now that he had, Remus couldn’t bear to look away. He saw a whole world of possibility reflected in Sirius’s gaze and the sky could crash down around the two of them and still, he wouldn’t be able to tear his eyes away. Sirius had chosen him, and he’d be damned if he didn’t rise to the occasion. “How about this?” Remus whispered, desperate to keep his voice from shaking, “We take care of each other. Things are only going to get worse from here, I’m afraid.”

Sirius nodded, they both knew a war was coming. Regulus had chosen his side and now they had chosen theirs. They would face what was to come hand in hand, together no matter what. “Do we tell the others?” Sirius whispered.

Remus frowned, “Not yet. Let’s give it some time.”

“Think you’ll be sick of me by this time next week?” Sirius teased.

Remus didn’t miss the anxiety beneath his words, “If it hasn’t happened already, it’s not likely to.” He pulled Sirius in and pressed his lips to his, kissing him softly, gently. Sirius gripped the hair at his nape and kissed him back, bit more forcefully this time. Remus chuckled and pulled back, trying to catch his breath. “There’ll be plenty of time for that.” Sirius grinned and moved forward, but Remus stopped him, “We’re at risk Padfoot.”

“I know, I know,” Sirius whispered and mouthed at Remus’s collarbone.

“Not just because we’re together - because of who we are,” Remus tried valiantly to convey his message despite Sirius’s ministrations. “A Dark Creature and a Blood Traitor - _together_ \- the Death Eaters would have a field day.”

Sirius looked up again and cupped Remus’s face in his hands, “Why can’t we tell our friends at least? They’d be happy for us.”

Remus ran his hands up and down Sirius’s forearms; sometimes he really hated being the voice of reason. He wanted nothing more than to just give into his feelings for Sirius - their feelings for _each other_ , he reminded himself excitedly. He wanted, just for a moment, to be a normal teenage boy. To feel the thrill of something new without it being tainted by all the realities of the world in which they lived. “Let’s just give it some time,” he said again and leaned in for another kiss. “Besides, for all I know by this time next month you could leave me for Marlene McKinnon.”

“Doubtful,” Sirius lay back down and Remus nestled in next to him, “I’d be barking up the wrong tree, if you know what I mean.”

Remus laughed, “Guess that means you’re stuck with me.”

“Ay, but if McGonagall ever looks my way, you’re out on your arse,” Sirius deadpanned.

“Fair enough,” Remus grinned.


	4. December 1976

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys spend Christmas holidays at Hogwarts and enjoy some much-needed time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upped the rating because there's some sexy times in this chapter! It's a challenge for me to write those scenes, so any feedback would be much appreciated. Thank you!

Sirius flopped down on the couch next to Remus, “I thought they’d never leave!” he groaned.

Remus laughed, “You’re terrible.”

“Don’t get me wrong, they’re our best mates, but Merlin, I’ve been counting down the days. And now I have you all to myself,” Sirius rounded on him, making grabbing motions in his direction.

“We’re not entirely alone Padfoot,” Remus nodded towards the few students milling about the Common Room, reading and chatting, although most were absorbed in watching a particularly rowdy game of Exploding Snap.

“Ah, they don’t care what we’re doing,” Sirius moved closer to him and whispered seductively, “Or shall we relocate to the dormitory?”

Remus flushed and struggled to maintain his composure, “I suppose if it were up to you we’d spend the entire Christmas holiday there.”

“Why not? We have the dormitory to _ourselves_ , Moony. All to ourselves,” he placed his hand discreetly on Remus’s thigh.

Remus quickly adjusted his robes to hide Sirius’s hand from view, although much to Sirius’s satisfaction, he didn’t remove it. “Believe me,” Remus murmured, “there is nothing more I’d like to do than to, er, get you alone up there…” Sirius squeezed his thigh, “...but if we go up now, we’ll never leave.”

“Still not seeing the problem,” Sirius smirked.

“It’s an absolutely gorgeous day outside,” Remus argued somewhat lamely.

“Not as gorgeous as you,” Sirius countered.

“And I thought we’d have a walk around the grounds,” Remus continued as if he hadn’t heard him, “maybe head down to Hogsmeade for a drink…”

“So far none of this sounds as intriguing as going upstairs with you. Unless,” Sirius gasped, “you still need a present for me! That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you want to go to Hogsmeade?”

“Oh no,” Remus smiled and leaned in close to Sirius, “I already have a present for you.” He covered Sirius’s hand with his own and moved it ever-so-slightly farther up his leg, “But if we go up now, it’ll ruin the surprise.”

Sirius gulped, “S-surprise?”

“Mhmm,” Remus nodded, “so...will you go on a walk with me?”

“Anything you want Moony,” Sirius breathed, “as long as we get to that ‘surprise’.”

“I promise it’ll all be worth it,” Remus winked, “tonight.”

“Tonight? What’s tonight?”

“You’ll see,” Remus said in a sing-song voice. “For now let’s go get our cloaks and head outside.”

Remus launched himself off the couch and dashed upstairs, leaving Sirius alone to adjust his trousers, which seemed somewhat tighter than they had before. Sirius groaned and rose to follow him, wondering how Remus had done this to him, when he swore he’d had the upperhand just a moment ago.

* * *

 

Remus had always loved snow. It covered everything in a blanket of newness, fresh and pure and full of possibility. He loved the way the cold felt sharp in his lungs when he inhaled and the way his breath misted in the air when he exhaled. He loved the quiet that echoed over the grounds, the muffled sounds that somehow made everything sharper, clearer. He loved the footprints he and Sirius made as they walked side by side; he turned to see the winding progress they’d made from the castle down the road towards Hogsmeade. He loved that he felt safe enough to hold Sirius’s hand on the deserted path, under the cover of gloves and cloaks and the falling snow.

Sirius turned to him, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Remus turned back around, “Why?”

“You’re grinning like a nutter,” he said fondly.

“I’ve always loved the snow,” Remus explained.

“I’m glad we came out then,” Sirius twined his fingers with Remus’s and pulled him in for a quick kiss.

Remus balked, but it was over almost before it had begun. “You prat!” he pushed Sirius away from him, “You can’t just do that!”

“I’m sorry!” Sirius was laughing, “I can’t help it, you’re too damn kissable. And look, there’s no one around.”

Remus glanced around; they were indeed alone. He closed the distance between them and kissed Sirius deeply. Sirius pulled him in by his hips while Remus tangled his hands in hair that fell nearly to Sirius’s shoulders. Remus pulled away, dazzled by Sirius’s handsome features, only enhanced by the snowflakes caught in his eyelashes and the cold that colored his cheeks.

“Race you to the village!” Remus called and pushed Sirius into a nearby snowbank.

“Oi!” Sirius yelled from behind him, and Remus whooped as he tore down the path.

Sirius reached him eventually and caught him around the middle, nearly toppling them both. They laughed breathlessly and tried to regain some semblance of composure before heading towards the shops. They spent the afternoon window shopping for last-minute Christmas gifts, every now and then sneaking secret smiles and knowing glances at each other. It was like a game, a trick they were playing on everyone around them, and only they knew the truth. They topped off the day with a Butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks, watching villagers and shoppers alike bustling about and creating narratives for them, each more ludicrous than the last. It was, in a word, perfect.

* * *

The castle finally came into view just as the sky was darkening and Sirius’s stomach grumbled loudly. It had been a wonderful day, but he was spent from trudging through the snow and had begun imagining the Christmas feast around the time they’d left the Three Broomsticks. His thoughts of honey-glazed ham and roasted potatoes were interrupted when a snowball came whizzing from behind him and hit him squarely in the back of the head.

Sirius whirled around to see Remus cackling madly and reaching down to scoop up more ammunition.

“Oh no you don’t,” Sirius warned and ducked behind a tree to begin building his own arsenal.

And thus was waged the most epic two-man snowball fight in Hogwarts history, or at least that’s what it seemed like to Sirius while they were in the thick of it. It felt amazing to just let go with Remus and act like the children they still were. Remus popped up from behind a mound of snow to heft his snowball toward Sirius, but shrieked when Sirius lobbed his own stockpile in quick succession to create enough cover to cross the field and ambush him. He vaulted over Remus’s fortress, landing squarely on top of him.

“Surrender!” Sirius demanded as he straddled Remus.

“Never!” he cried valiantly.

“Then I suppose I’ll have to get creative,” Sirius smirked and leaned down to kiss him. The snow was falling heavily now and when he pulled back to look at Remus, Sirius felt his breath catch in his throat. There beneath him, was the most beautiful person he had ever seen, light danced in his eyes and laughter played on his lips.

“Why’d you choose me?” Remus whispered.

“What do you mean?” Sirius asked, confused.

“You could’ve had anyone,” Remus clarified, “Why me?”

Sirius inhaled shakily as he caught Remus’s meaning. He was still on top of him and his hair fell like a curtain around them as he brushed snow from Remus’s cheek. “You know, I remember the first time I saw you. It was on the train in our first year. You were sitting alone in a compartment and I was with a group of other Pureblood prats and I thought you looked so sad, sadder than any eleven-year old had a right to be,” he fiddled with Remus’s cloak, stalling, “I remember I had this overwhelming urge to make you happy.”

To his surprise, Remus answered, “I remember you too. I saw you on the train.”

“Really?”

“Mhmm,” Remus nodded, “You looked so out of place with them. You looked miserable.”

“I was,” Sirius said.

“And then when I was sorted into Gryffindor, who should I find sitting at the table, but you? The miserable Pureblood.”

“That’s right,” Sirius recalled, “you were late to the Sorting Ceremony…”

“...because I had just finished going over with Dumbledore the terms of my admission. The monthly plan,” Remus supplied. “I wasn’t expecting you to be a Gryffindor.”

“You and everyone else,” Sirius chuckled.

“You and James were already causing quite a commotion, had the whole table roaring if I remember correctly.”

Sirius nodded, “Yeah, but it was you I was really after. Once you cracked a smile I considered my job done.”

Remus shook his head, “But it wasn’t until later that we became friends. You connected with James instantly, but it took you awhile to warm up to me.”

“No,” Sirius disagreed, “James was just easier. You...you were harder to solve. I couldn’t figure you out like I could most people - you made me nervous. So I kept my distance for a bit, but there was something about you that drew me in, and I couldn’t stay away for long.”

“I…” Remus frowned, “I never knew.”

“Do you see Moony?” Sirius asked earnestly, “In one way or another, it’s always been you, from the very beginning. I didn’t know what it was back then - hell, I didn’t realize until it was almost too late - until I pulled that shit with Snape and I nearly lost you. But I didn’t _choose_ you, it’s just always been you, d’you see?”

Remus nodded, at a loss for words at Sirius’s admission, and opted for a non-verbal answer. He pulled Sirius down into him and kissed him hungrily. The cold was seeping into his limbs, but Sirius was simultaneously on fire with the taste, smell, and feeling of Remus all around him. He moaned and gripped Remus’s jaw as Remus arched off the ground into him. Tongues and teeth clashed and their breath came in harsh pants.

Sirius finally broke for air, his head swimming. “Bloody _brilliant_ ,” he rambled. Remus smiled up at him, but something in his peripheral caught his attention and Sirius felt Remus tense beneath him. “What is it?” he asked, concerned.

“Someone was watching us,” Remus’s eyes darted along the treeline, but there was no one in sight. “I don’t know who it was, but I swear there was someone there.”

“Okay, okay,” Sirius attempted to soothe him, “If there was someone there, they couldn’t’ve seen much. They’d be too far away to tell who we are.”

“We’ve been lying here for awhile, Sirius,” Remus said harshly, getting up to brush the snow from his cloak.

“Even if they had seen us, would that be so bad?” Sirius questioned and rose to stand next to him, “I’m not ashamed to be with you.”

Remus’s expression softened, “It’s not that, of course I’m happy to be with you. But we have to start thinking about our future - our life after Hogwarts. With the way the tides are turning, it’s going to be hard for men like us, especially-”

“-especially given who we are,” Sirius finished, “I know, it’s just - it’s not fair.”

“No it’s not,” Remus agreed, “but that’s life. And that’s the world we live in.”

“...So, ‘life after Hogwarts,’ huh?” Sirius grinned, feeling quite chuffed, “What does _our_ life look like after Hogwarts?”

Remus couldn’t help but smile back, “Don't overthink it.”

Sirius looked to the castle, which was lit cheerily now that night had fallen. “Come on,” he beckoned, “Let’s go get changed for the feast. A little pumpkin juice and this’ll all seem a bit less dire.”

“I doubt it,” Remus said darkly.

Sirius chuckled and slung his arm over Remus’s shoulder to guide them both toward the castle, “Thank Merlin you have me to balance out that dark cloud over your head.”

“Thank Merlin you have me,” Remus shot back, “to bring you back down to Earth.”

“Sounds like a perfect match to me,” Sirius chirped.

* * *

The warmth of the fire in the Great Hall had banished the day’s chill away and Remus’s belly was pleasantly full with Christmas pudding as he opened crackers with Sirius at the rest of the Gryffindors’ expense. He was enjoying the feast so much, he nearly forgot what awaited them back in Gryffindor Tower. Apparently, so had Sirius, if his own personal renditions of holiday carols were any indication. He didn’t seem the least bit concerned with returning directly to the dormitory and insisted on belting altered lyrics to classic songs in the unsuspecting faces of innocent passersby as they made their way upstairs.

“Good Professor Dumbledore at the Christmas taaaaable, handed Wizard Crackers out, fast as he was aaaable,” Sirius’s voice echoed down the corridor behind them.

“Shhhh,” Remus warned, laughing, “people are going to think you spiked the pumpkin juice!”

Sirius gasped, feigning indignation, “How dare you insinuate such an egregious act?! I’m merely drunk on life and holiday cheer!” Remus only rolled his eyes in response. “Truly Moony,” Sirius said earnestly, “I’m just so happy, I can’t help myself. Today has been amazing - I can’t remember the last time I felt like this.”

They had reached the portrait leading to Gryffindor Tower. Remus gave the password, _tinsel_ , and they entered just as Sirius had begun his favorite carol, ‘God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriff.’

Remus looked around the common room to ensure it was empty before he leaned forward to silence Sirius with a kiss. “Come on,” he whispered and took Sirius’s hand to lead him up the staircase to their dormitory. Sirius followed mutely, but gave a little _oh_ of surprise when Remus opened the door to reveal the darkened room glimmering with floating lights that twinkled icy blue. He’d transfigured two of the four poster beds into a large bed with black satin sheets.

“Remus…” Sirius said in awe as he stepped into the room.

“Look up,” Remus smiled. He watched Sirius’s face as he looked to the ceiling and saw a replica of the night sky. “Happy Christmas Padfoot.”

Sirius turned to him, gawking, “But, we were together all day! When did you have time to do all this?”

Remus laughed, “I went back to the room after we changed for the feast.”

“You-you didn’t really forget your wand, did you?” Sirius smiled, piecing it together. “You're amazing Remus.”

Remus blushed, “I wanted it to be special for you, for us.”

“It’s perfect. Except we're missing one thing,” Sirius waved his wand and snow began to fall from the ceiling.

Remus reached out his hand and caught a few flakes. They were soft and dry, like bits of cloud. “Neat trick.” He walked forward and captured Sirius’s lips in a sweeping kiss. Sirius inhaled sharply, then moaned as he relaxed into the kiss. Remus reached up to tangle his hands in Sirius’s hair.

“Pull it,” Sirius whispered.

With a thrill, Remus tugged on the soft black locks at his nape, forcing Sirius’s head back and earning a groan from him in response. Remus took advantage of the position to kiss him deeply, sliding his tongue against Sirius’s and walking him backwards towards the bed. Sirius plopped down onto the mattress and Remus leaned over him, one hand braced behind him on the bed. Without breaking the kiss, Remus loosened Sirius’s tie and removed it along with his shirt.

“No,” Sirius moaned when Remus broke this kiss, “where are you going?”

But Remus didn’t answer, he merely sank to his knees and looked up at Sirius, a mischievous smile played on his lips. Slowly, Remus placed his hands on Sirius’s knees and slid them up his thighs. He tried not to reveal how nervous he was, how fast his heart was beating. Up until now, anything they had done together had been rushed or hidden - a stolen kiss behind the Quidditch pitch, a quick snog in a broom cupboard, and of course their late nights after the full moon. But now they had all the time they wanted and Remus intended to savor every moment. Sirius breathed shakily, his eyes glued to Remus’s hands as he opened his trousers. Remus fingered his waistband and squeezed Sirius’s hips, smiling when Sirius obediently lifted his hips to allow Remus to remove his trousers. He trailed his fingers up the length of Sirius’s legs, relishing the shiver Sirius gave when he traced, his touch feather-light, behind Sirius’s knees. He gripped his thighs and raised himself up to place tentative kisses along Sirius’s jaw. Sirius angled Remus’s face so that he could snog him properly, but Remus only allowed him a few moments before he resumed his journey, kissing, licking, and nipping his way down Sirius’s collarbone, across his chest. He tongued the contours of his stomach, slotting his fingers into the groves of Sirius’s ribs. He wanted to live in this moment for a while, to memorize the taste of Sirius’s skin, the sound of his breath coming shallower now, the feeling of his body surrounding him.

Remus looked up questioningly as he fingered the band of Sirius’s briefs. Sirius nodded enthusiastically and he pushed them to the floor as well. Sirius didn’t seem to mind that Remus was still fully clothed, instead he seemed to revel in his nakedness, leaning into each touch and every kiss, baring himself eagerly to Remus’s attention. Remus licked up Sirius’s inner thigh, sucking at skin that was tantalizingly close to the area of Sirius’s need. Remus felt Sirius bury his hand in his hair and subtly try to guide his head, but Remus continued to tease him, avoiding where he knew Sirius wanted him most.

“ _Touch me_ ,” Sirius begged, finally giving in to his desperation, “ _Please_.”

As if he’d been waiting for this, Remus smirked and licked up his shaft, to which Sirius uttered a string of swear words. Emboldened, Remus swirled his tongue around the head before he swallowed him down. Sirius cried out and gripped Remus’s hair in a way that blurred the line between pain and pleasure. He moaned around Sirius and the vibrations seemed to completely undo him, his body went taut and arched like a bow. Remus realized he’d done something Sirius liked, so he hummed softly as he bobbed up and down. Sirius shook above him as he struggled to remain in control and Remus ran his hands up and down his thighs soothingly.

“R-Remus,” Sirius warned, “I’m close.”

Remus released him, “Not yet.” He wasn’t ready for this to end.

Sirius shook his head, “Don’t you dare stop.”

So he continued, chasing Sirius’s climax. Sirius came with a shout and Remus swallowed eagerly. He looked up at Sirius from between his legs and felt self conscious for the first time. He wiped the corner of his mouth and felt his face heat up.

“You look so beautiful right now,” Sirius panted and drew Remus up to the bed to kiss him. Remus would have preferred to rinse his mouth first, but he could feel how much it turned Sirius on to taste himself on Remus’s tongue and decided he didn’t mind. Sirius fumbled with the buttons on Remus’s shirt, trying valiantly to undress him without stopping their kiss. He eventually had to admit defeat and they both chuckled as Remus hopped off the bed to remove his pants, shoes and socks. “Off, off, off,” Sirius urged him from the bed.

Remus launched himself on top of Sirius and they burrowed into the velvety sheets, high on adrenaline and giddy with what they’d just done.

“You’re incredible,” Sirius breathed and kissed his forehead.

“Hopefully you’ll last a little longer next time,” Remus teased.

“Is that a challenge?” he asked.

“It is,” Remus with mock seriousness.

“I dunno,” Sirius said breezily, “I think I did pretty well, considering.”

Remus laughed, “Considering what?”

“Considering how hot you looked on your knees,” Sirius grinned. “Come now,” he flipped Remus onto his back and straddled him, “let’s see if you can break my my record.”


	5. May 1977

“Check out the Slytherins’ faces,” Sirius grinned wickedly as he and James joined Remus at the Gryffindor table and helped themselves to breakfast.

“They’re not handling their defeat very gracefully,” James chortled as he heaped a large portion of sausage onto his plate. Remus, however, barely glanced up from his copy of the  _ Prophet _ . 

“Moony,” Sirius prompted, “aren't they hilarious?”

Remus looked up, but didn’t turn around to see the table in question. “What? Oh yeah, very funny,” he replied absently and returned to his paper.

“Wow, Remus,” James shook his head, “the news this morning must be riveting.”

“Maybe there's a picture of a naked lady in it,” Peter arrived and scrambled to wedge himself next to James, toppling an unfortunate second year off the bench and to the ground.

“Oi!” James called and rose to help the poor boy to his feet.

“That's disgusting Wormtail,” Sirius grimaced and flicked a tomato at his head. “Give Remus a little more credit.”

“From what I heard, it takes more than that to draw Lupin’s attention these days…” a voice drawled from behind Remus.

Snape stood sneering at the four of them, his eyes shooting daggers at Remus’s back. “What’s that supposed to mean?” James said hotly while Sirius blanched beside him.

Remus sighed tiredly and put down his paper, “Bugger off Snape.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you Lupin?” Snape’s gaze flickered up to Sirius, who held it defiantly.

Remus remained seated with his back to Snape and spoke flatly, as if he were bored, “You’d do well to keep your slimy nose out of other people’s business,  _ Snivellus _ , if you know what’s good for you. You're right, it does take a bit more to turn my head, so I certainly won't waste my energy turning it for you, nor, by the looks of it,” he glanced pointedly at Lily who was sitting down the table from them, “will anyone else.” Snape scoffed and attempted in vain to replace the smirk that had fallen from his face as he stalked off towards the Slytherin table. Remus shook out his paper and resumed reading, oblivious to his friends’ stunned faces ogling him from across the table.

“Blimey, Moony…” James breathed in awe.

“That was wicked,” Peter pumped his fist gleefully, “You totally destroyed him!”

_ That was hot _ , Sirius thought, though out loud he asked, “Yeah Remus, what inspired that stunning display?”

Remus shrugged and folded his paper, “I'm just sick of his bullshit. He can't do anything to me or Dumbledore will expel him, so it’s all for show. He knows it and I know it; now we're both on the same page.” He rose from the table, although his eggs lay nearly untouched in front of him. “I’m going to head to Charms,” he shouldered his bag, “see you lot there.”

They watched in silence as Remus crossed the Great Hall and disappeared through the door. James raised his eyebrows and gave Sirius a questioning look, but he only shrugged in response, mystified at Remus’s strange behavior. Peter seemed not to notice anything was amiss and had already tucked in avidly to his breakfast.

“‘Oo two’d be’er start eeding,” he said through a mouthful, “Or ‘oo’ll be late to Tarms.”

“Tarms?” Sirius asked, trying to mask his disgust.

Peter swallowed, nearly choking on his massive bite. “ _ Charms _ ,” he clarified, coughing.

“Keep eating like that, and you won’t make to Charms Wormtail,” James chuckled. He glanced over at Sirius and the two shared a knowing look before James turned to his food. Sirius however, found he’d lost his appetite. Something was obviously bothering Remus; although he occasionally egged Sirius and James on, he’d never personally taunted Snape. For him to say the things he had...Sirius knew something was off. 

“Not hungry,” he said quickly and pushed his plate away. Sirius gathered his things, ignoring James’s protests, and swiftly exited the Great Hall. He raced up the stairs and clambered to the third floor, hoping to catch Remus before he made it to Charms.

“Moony!” he called when he spotted Remus’s quickly retreating form at the end of the corridor, “Wait up!”

Remus slowed reluctantly, his hand buried in a tapestry that concealed one of their favorite shortcuts. “Should’ve known you’d be able to follow me.”

Sirius reached him and paused to catch his breath. “Are you joking?” he wheezed, “Who showed you this passageway, eh?” He went to put a hand on his shoulder, but Remus side-stepped it. “Are you alright?"

“I'm fine,” Remus said shortly, “I just don’t want to be late.”

“So let's walk,” he nodded towards the tapestry. Remus pulled it back and proceeded through the passageway, with Sirius closely behind him. They walked in silence until they reached the other end. “Hey,” Sirius gently grabbed his wrist, “before we go through, what’s going on? Don’t get me wrong - the way you dissed Snape was top-form, stuff of legends, really, but it wasn't like you. Was it because of what he said?”

Remus stiffened and turned to face him. “You mean that he’s onto us?”

“Come on, Moony, he doesn't know anything. And if he does - you said it yourself, he can't do anything.” He moved closer, trying to catch Remus’s gaze, “We’ve been good. We’ve been careful. Whatever Snape  _ thinks _ he saw-”

“No, Sirius, we  _ were _ careful,” Remus evaded his touch once again, “back when we thought we’d been caught. But since the beginning of term we’ve gotten sloppy.”

“Rem-” 

“This is all a big joke to you, isn’t it?!” Remus burst out, “Good looks, high marks, Pure blood - nothing can touch you, right Sirius?"

“Of - of course not. Remus, please-”

“Not all of us have that luxury, you know,” Remus ranted, “Some of us have to live in the real world.”

Sirius released Remus, shaking off the sting of his words. “You're upset…”

“You're bloody right I'm upset!”

“Let’s just go to Charms,” Sirius sighed, trying to keep calm. He followed Remus as he swung aside a portrait of a Caster long-since dead to reveal the Charms Corridor.

* * *

 

“Oi, Sirius,” James whispered to avoid drawing Professor Flitwick’s attention, “you talk to him yet?”

Sirius shook his head subtly from the desk in front of James. “He’s upset about something - possibly me,” he muttered out of the corner of his mouth, “Gonna try again once Flitwick splits us in pairs.” 

As if on cue, Professor Flitwick instructed them to partner up to practice their Sticking Charms. Sirius made a beeline for Remus, who was already sitting down next to Peter. 

“Hey Pete, come work with me,” James called. Sirius shot him a grateful look.

“R-really?” Peter jumped up as if he couldn’t believe his luck, “But you always partner with Sirius.”

“Not today, Wormtail,” Sirius turned to Remus, who looked extremely cross. “You up for it Moony?”

Remus glanced around the class, “Guess I don’t have much of a choice as everyone else is paired off already.”

“Excellent,” Sirius ignored his sour mood and sat down. They worked in silence for a few moments, but the lesson really was trivial. Both of them had mastered this particular spell weeks ago when Remus had convinced Sirius to skip ahead in the textbook, claiming they needed an edge as their N.E.W.T.s approached. Sirius brandished his wand lazily, keeping his eyes on Remus, looking for any opportunity to continue their conversation from that morning. Remus, however, was resolutely focused on his work, a look of deep concentration etched onto his features. “Come on, Moony,” Sirius said finally, “You could do this charm in your sleep. You can unfurrow your brows - I know you’re just trying to avoid talking to me.” 

“This may shock you,” Remus aimed his wand at the desk, attempting to adhere his quill to its surface, “but some of us actually care about our marks.”

“Remus,” Sirius groaned, “I’m trying to be patient, I really am. But I’m getting pretty sick of the cold shoulder, especially as all I’ve done is try to talk to you about what’s got your knickers in a twist.”

“Shut it, Sirius.”

“No, I don’t think I will,” Sirius hissed, “not until you tell me-”

“I said, SHUT IT!” Remus yelled and ignited the quill on his desk. Remus jumped up in surprise, while Sirius quickly extinguished it with an Aguamenti Spell. 

“Mr. Lupin!” Professor Flitwick called as he made his way toward them from the head of the class, “The assignment was a  _ Sticking Charm  _ \- Blasting Curses were last week, my boy.”

Remus had turned very pale. “S-sorry Professor,” he stuttered.

“That’s quite alright,” he said kindly, “Are you feeling well? Perhaps a trip to Madam Pomfrey is in order?”

“I-I think that might be best, thank you Professor.” Remus gathered his things and left the classroom.

“As for you Mr. Black,” Flitwick turned to Sirius, “that was an excellent use of the Aguamenti Spell. Well done! Ten points to Gryffindor for your quick thinking.”

“Thank you Professor,” Sirius reached for his bag, “Would it be alright if I went after Remus? I want to make sure he gets to the Hospital Wing.” Sirius didn’t wait for his answer before he left the room as well, ignoring the stunned faces of James, Peter, and the rest of the class.  _ Let them stare _ , Sirius thought recklessly; he was only concerned with finding Remus, consequences be damned. He strode confidently, not to the Hospital Wing, but to Gryffindor Tower. The Common Room was nearly deserted, as it was the middle of first period. Sirius climbed the stairs and burst into the dormitory, unsurprised to find Remus curled up on his bed, exactly where he knew he’d be.

“How’d you find me?” Remus asked miserably. He didn’t sit up, nor did he attempt to hide the fact that he’d been crying.

“Don’t you get it yet?” Sirius shut the door, dropped his bag, and joined Remus on his bed, “I know you. I knew you would come here instead of the Hospital Wing. All those nights after the full moon - you won’t go to the Hospital Wing unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

Remus turned over to face him and Sirius brushed a tear from his cheek. “I’m sorry Sirius,” Remus said desperately, “Sorry for being such an arse, sorry for the things I said to you, for nearly blowing you up…”

“You didn’t blow me up,” Sirius smiled, “Singed my brows, maybe, but nothing that can’t be fixed.”

“You’ve been so wonderful to me and I’ve been so terrible,” he lamented, “I know things haven’t been easy for you. I know how awful it was for you at home - I know that. And you were so brave to leave, Sirius - I couldn’t bear it if you thought I didn’t-”

“I know Moony,” Sirius said softly.

“This had nothing to do with you, but I took it out on you. It wasn’t about what Snape said,” he paused, reconsidering, “Well, maybe it was a little bit about that, but not entirely.”

Sirius waited for Remus to elaborate, but eventually prompted, “...Do you want to tell me about it?”

Remus sighed as if he were gathering his courage, or else his strength. “A man was pictured in the paper this morning: Fenrir Greyback. He’s a werewolf - the one who turned me. He gave me my first scars,” Remus lifted Sirius’s hand to trace the scars across his face and neck, Sirius felt the smooth, thin grooves and realized he’d never thought to ask about them; he’d assumed Remus had made them himself. “He was on trial for killing some kids,” Remus continued, “and my dad was the only one who realized what he was. He outed him as a werewolf - my dad  _ hated _ werewolves. He still does. My father loves me, but,” Remus paused and Sirius drew him closer, his hand on Remus’s hip, “...he’s never been able to look at me the same way since I was turned. Greyback came after me, as revenge I suppose. Now he’s been linked to Voldemort. I doubt he’s been made a Death Eater - given their stance on ‘Half-breeds,’ but he’s aligned himself with them.” Remus paused again and inhaled shakily. “Just...seeing his face - it brought up a lot for me.”

“You told me you were turned when you were young, but I didn't know…” Sirius wanted so badly to comfort Remus, but he didn't know what to say. “You’re safe here, he can’t get to you inside Hogwarts.”

“Only for another year, and then what?” Remus shook his head, “Anyway, it’s not just about me. He’s a monster - he specifically attacks kids so he can indoctrinate them into his sick vision of a society dominated by werewolves. If my father hadn’t been able to fight him off of me, who knows what could have happened? Maybe he would’ve taken me into his pack and raised me to hate all wizards. Or more likely he would have just killed me. Either way, I would never have come to Hogwarts and I never would’ve met you and-”

“Hey, hey, shhhh, calm down,” Sirius rubbed his back soothingly. “You’re alright. You did meet me and we’re here now, safe, and together.”

“Please… please, Sirius,” Remus whimpered.

Sirius pulled away to look him in the eyes, “What do you want? Tell me, and I’ll do it - anything you want Remus.”

“Make me forget,” he pleaded in a whisper. “I don’t want to be in my body anymore. Make me forget what I am... _ who _ I am…”

Sirius paused, his heart aching at Remus’s words. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” he traced Remus’s brow with his fingertips, moving down his jawline and finally coming to rest on his chest.

“How do you see me?” his eyes shone with his tears.

“You're,” Sirius blushed from the corniness of it all, but continued nonetheless, “you're so beautiful Rem.”

Remus scoffed and ducked his head, breaking eye contact, “I think you're confusing me for you.”

“No,” Sirius shook his head, “I could never have what you have. It’s this quality about you...this light.”

“A light? Really, Sirius?” Remus asked skeptically.

Sirius ran his hand self consciously through his hair, “I know it sounds like a crock of shit, but hear me out. With what you went through, what you still go through, you have every reason to be bitter and resentful, but you're not. You're smart and funny and  _ so _ strong, Remus, but you're also kind. You care about what's right, you're thoughtful, you put other people before yourself. That's what I see when I look at you.” He tilted Remus’s chin up so he could look at him, “It lights you up from the inside out, you're fucking  _ radiant _ Remus.”

“I want to believe you - I want to see myself that way, but I don't think I can.”

Sirius furrowed his brows, trying to determine how best to handle the situation. At this moment in time there was nothing more important than allowing Remus to see himself through Sirius’s eyes - not class, not exams or graduation or even the war looming around them - the only thing that mattered now was the two of them stretched out on the bed together, in broad daylight for the first time since the holidays. Remus had had so much taken away from him, and with very little exception, he just  _ accepted  _ it and carried on with his life. Sirius yearned to  _ give _ him something, something no one else could give him, something that couldn’t be taken away. He needed to show Remus how beautiful he was.

Slowly, Sirius raised himself up to hover over Remus. He loosened Remus’s tie and began to unbutton his shirt. Remus gazed up at him with an expression caught between bemused and excited. He traced the scars on Remus’s face again, following them down the column of his neck. He spread open Remus’s shirt and mapped the crisscrossing web on his chest. Remus shivered below him and Sirius whispered, “Is this okay? Is it okay to touch you like this?”

Remus nodded, “Yes.” He sat up briefly to remove his shirt and tie, but quickly lay back down  to allow Sirius to continue. 

The ridges across Remus’s body caught the morning light, shadows written like a secret script just for Sirius. He wanted to touch every inch of him, to read those lines like Braille. He leaned forward to whisper in Remus’s ear, “Your body betrays you every month, but it can be good to you too.” He pressed his body against Remus to illustrate his point, “Mmm, so good, good for both of us. Can I show you how good it can be?”

Remus snaked his arms around Sirius’s shoulders and arched his hips up into him. “ _ Please _ ,” he moaned.

“Okay,” Sirius breathed. He sat up and removed his own shirt, then reached down to his pocket to retrieve his wand. Sirius gestured discretely towards the door, attempting a nonverbal spell to keep up the air of mystery. Remus sat up beneath him to pull at the hangings, but Sirius caught his wrist and shook his head.

“But what if someone sees? Or,” Remus paled, seemingly horrified at the thought, “ _ hears _ ?”

“Relax,” Sirius laid his wand on the bedside table and gently coaxed Remus back down on the bed, “I cast an Imperturbable Charm on the door. Not nearly as good as yours, but it should hold.” Remus still looked unsure, so Sirius leaned down to kiss him, “Besides, won’t it be nice to be able to see each other for once?”

Sirius took the opportunity to hop off the bed and rid himself of the rest of his clothing, basking in the sunlight. Remus eyed him hungrily, but remained on the bed. “You…” he whispered, “you look amazing Pads.”

Sirius was careful not to gloat. While he’d never felt uncomfortable being naked, he understood that it held a different meaning for Remus. They’d certainly seen each other on full moon nights, but in terms of their blossoming relationship, Remus had been hesitant to completely expose his body to Sirius and had been grateful for the cover of darkness should their nighttime activities ever call for complete nakedness. “I want to see you Moony,” Sirius knelt at the foot of the bed and reached towards the waist of his pants, “all of you.” Remus exhaled shakily, but nodded his consent. Sirius undid the button and slid his pants down and off his ankles. He ran his hands up Remus’s legs as he reached for his boxers and finally they were both naked together, without the cover of night, or the excuse of having just transformed, or the pressure to get things over and done with before anyone walked in on them. The stillness in the room was palpable and Sirius was almost afraid to move for fear of disrupting such a perfect moment. 

It was Remus who leaned up and pulled Sirius in to kiss him. Yet Sirius felt the anxiety beneath his skin when he touched him, the way his breath came slightly too quickly, the tension in the bow of his back. “I’ve got you,” he whispered, “You can let go Rem, I’ve got you.”

He kissed Remus softly, moving up to kiss his golden lashes, his sandy brows. He ran his hands soothingly through his hair and felt Remus begin to relax below him. Sirius acted on his urge from earlier and moved slowly down Remus’s body, exploring each scar with his mouth, kissing and licking his way through the history of Remus’s body. Remus gasped and moaned, his eyes closed and his head pressed back into the pillow. They moved together; the give and take of their bodies blurred until Sirius wasn’t sure where he ended and Remus began. 

Sirius was nearing the edge, but could feel that Remus was holding back. “It’s okay,” he panted, “no one can hear us. You can be as loud as you want.”

Remus arched his back, moaning louder and louder until finally he came with a cry and lay trembling in Sirius’s arms. 

After a few moments Remus stretched languidly beneath him and moaned, “Mmm, can we just stay here all day?”

“Fine by me,” Sirius covered them both with the sheet, “although I’m surprised at you Remus. That a Gryffindor Prefect would even  _ suggest _ skipping a day of classes is frankly quite a scandal.” Remus kissed him just to shut him up, which, truth be told, was exactly what Sirius had been aiming for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love!


	6. October 1977

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders attend an Order of the Phoenix interest meeting.

“We should go,” Remus panted, resting his forehead against Sirius’s.

Sirius groaned, “It doesn’t start for another ten minutes,” and moved to kiss Remus’s neck.

“While I _very much_ want to continue,” Remus said breathlessly, “James’ll have our heads if we’re late. You know how eager he’s been to attend this meeting.”

“We never get the dormitory to ourselves,” Sirius whined. He showed no signs of embarrassment at how needy he sounded, but given Remus was currently straddling his hips and snogging him on his bed, he really couldn’t be held accountable for his actions. “James is coming straight from practice and Pete is no doubt at the pitch ogling him-”

“Stop it!” Remus chuckled.

“Really, the way he carries on, you’d think they were the pair and not uh-ARGH!!” Sirius yelled as the hangings around his bed were yanked unceremoniously apart.

Remus scrambled to get off of him before the intruder could decipher whose limbs were whose.

“OI PETE, GIVE A BLOKE SOME WARNING!” Sirius roared, clutching his heart and breathing harshly.

Luckily, Peter didn’t seem to understand what he’d walked in on, although he stood with his head cocked to the side and his brow wrinkled in confusion. “What were you two doing in here?”

“Attempting to Apparate to Saturn, you want a go?”

“Really?!” Peter looked awestruck.

“No!” Sirius snarled.

“Peter,” Remus asked calmly, although his heart was hammering, “was there something you needed?”

“Oh!” Peter blushed, realizing he’d blundered, but not fully understanding why, “James sent me up here to make sure you weren’t late.”

Sirius slid off the bed - looking impossibly put together, Remus thought enviously - and rolled his eyes. “Wouldn’t want that,” he paused in front of the mirror to check his hair, “Merlin forbid we’re even a second late to this farce of a meeting.”

“It’s not a farce!” Peter cried, aghast.

Remus followed them, not bothering to check his reflection; it didn’t matter much if his secondhand robes were askew. Remus comforted himself with the knowledge that Sirius liked him just the way he was - shabby robes and all - as evidenced by the way they’d been wrapped around each other mere moments ago. He tuned out Sirius and Peter’s bickering and smiled to himself as they walked down to the Common Room and through the portrait hole.

“You just wait til we get there,” Peter argued, “James said-”

“What did I say?” James called to them from down the corridor. He was still dressed in his Quidditch uniform, although Remus wondered if it was truly because he hadn’t had time to change or because he hoped to see a certain someone whom he wanted to impress…

“This meeting’s important,” Peter explained, bolstered by James’s arrival, “it could determine who among us joins the Or-”

James held a finger to his lips and shook his head. “Not here,” he cautioned.

“Right,” Peter whispered conspiratorially. “Do you think Dumbledore will be there?

James chuckled, “Don’t be daft Pete, Dumbledore didn’t organize this. He’d probably be furious if he found out.”

Remus disagreed, “I think he probably knows what’s going on. I get the feeling there’s very little that happens at Hogwarts without his knowledge.”

“Yeah, he’s in on it alright,” Sirius chimed in, “he just can’t cosign it. Seeing as we’re still students.”

“Even though we’re all of-age,” James muttered.

“Speak for yourself!” came a voice behind them. They turned to see several Gryffindor girls making their way down the corridor. The girl who spoke, Emmeline Vance, was a sixth year and so was not of-age. Her companions, however were all seventh years, including Mary MacDonald, Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon, Alice Macmillan, and Lily Evans. “I don’t turn seventeen until next March,” Emmeline chirped, “but I figured I’d tag along anyway. It’s such an exciting time, isn’t it?”

“If by exciting you mean utterly terrifying, then yes, I suppose it is,” Dorcas replied darkly.

“It’s nice to see you Remus,” Lily smiled at him and nodded politely at Peter, but narrowed her eyes at James and Sirius, “I’m surprised to see you here Potter, Black. I didn’t know you were concerned with Muggleborn Rights.”

Sirius scoffed, “You act like you don’t hang with Purebloods every month Evans. Why don’t you ask your mates at the Slug Club to roll up their sleeves - show you their true colors? I guarantee you’re in for more of a surprise there than here.”

Remus winced internally, knowing he alone could detect the shame in Sirius’s voice. Regulus was an active member of the group curated by the Head of Slytherin House, although he doubted Lily was aware of Regulus’s more sinister membership.

“Lily, you have to know we’re not like that,” James explained desperately, “Sirius ran away from home and my family took him in. And Remus, he-”

“James and Sirius believe that diversity only strengthens Wizardkind,” Remus rushed to speak over him before James could say anything incriminating and fixed him with a warning look before he continued, “just like I do.” Remus could see the wheels turning in Lily’s head as she eyed the four of them and attempted to identify what she’d missed in the exchange. He made a mental note to be overly careful around Lily Evans regarding all things lupine.

“Come on, Lily,” Mary nudged her friend, “the meeting is about to start!”

Lily narrowed her eyes once more before continuing down the corridor. She flipped her dark red hair haughtily over her shoulder as she passed James, leaving him dazed and likely to pass out.

Sirius whirled on him once the girls had entered the empty classroom being used for the meeting. “Nice one Prongs,” he growled, “you nearly outed Remus!”

“I’m sorry Moony,” James moaned and shook his head as if to clear it, “I just - I lose my head around her!”

“It’s okay James, Remus understands,” Peter patted his shoulder and looked toward Remus, “don’t you?”

Remus could practically feel the heat coming off of Sirius as he fumed next to him. “It’s actually not okay,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Can we just go inside now?” he gestured toward the door. While he appreciated Sirius coming to his defense, Remus very much wanted to move beyond the sticky moment with Lily. Between that and nearly being caught by Peter earlier, he just wanted to get through this meeting without incident.

The room was filled with a number of students, nearly all seventh years, the majority were Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, with a few Ravenclaws in the mix. The desks had been arranged in a semi-circle surrounding a large table at the head of the class. Two red-headed wizards stood behind it, talking quietly amongst themselves as one shuffled the parchment littering its surface. “If I could only talk to her alone,” James lamented as they took their seats on the opposite side of the room from Lily and her friends, “have a decent conversation. But she’s always surrounded by a gaggle of girls - why is it that they always travel in packs?!”

“Beats me,” Peter said glumly, “women are a complete mystery to me.”

Sirius sighed, knowingly, “It’s just how they’re wired mate.”

“I might remind you that we also travel in a pack,” Remus muttered as he extracted his quill from his bag.

“Sometimes literally,” Peter chortled.

Remus scowled at the smirks on his friends’ faces, “Are you lot determined to expose me today?!”

The wizard at the front of the room cleared his throat pointedly, “May we begin?”

Remus blushed and ran his hands nervously through his hair. He hadn’t realized the rest of the room had gone silent while he’d been searching through his bag and now the entire group was staring at him. He heard Lily and her friends giggling in the corner.

To his surprise, the young wizard called them out as well, “Anyone who thinks this is funny can leave now. I assure you, war is no laughing matter.”

“Lighten up, Gid,” said his companion kindly, “they’re only kids.”

“Yeah and so were we, not too long ago,” he responded gruffy. “If you came for a laugh and aren’t truly here to listen, then I suggest you find another way to occupy your Saturday."

“What my brother Gideon means to say is, this is serious business. We are here to represent the Order of the Phoenix, a resistance group formed to combat the rise of the Death Eaters. While some,” he shot a look at his brother, “are against our presence here, we felt it vital to begin recruiting at Hogwarts.”

“When Fabian and I graduated a few short years ago,” Gideon picked up the thread of the presentation seamlessly, “we were tragically underprepared for what we met in the Wizarding World. You may think you’re aware of what’s going on - you read the _Prophet_ every morning, you pay attention in Defense class, but let me tell you - nothing can prepare you for what’s out there. Nothing except extensive training and even that has its limitations.”

“Right,” Fabian said, “now we don’t mean to scare you, but the fact is, you should be scared. Being scared is what’s going to keep you aware, keep you alive. We’re here to give you some more information about who we are, what we do, and what options are available to you after you graduate.”

A seventh year Ravenclaw, one of the few in attendance, raised her hand.

“Yes, Miss…” Fabian asked.

“Bones,” she provided, “Are you implying that we cannot join the Order until after we graduate?”

“You may sign up today if you wish, however,” Fabian continued over the excited whispers prompted by his answer, “it is not a decision to be made lightly. I’ve also been instructed to inform you that no one can join unless they’re of-age and active duty won’t start until after you graduate.” Remus got the feeling that the brothers disagreed with this stipulation, but were perhaps forced to adhere to it by the more senior members of the Order.

“You are also by no means required to sign up at the end of this meeting,” Gideon assured them, “but know that once you leave this room, if you have not signed this piece of parchment,” he brandished the scroll in front of him, “you will find that your memories of this afternoon will be curiously replaced with an alarmingly boring study session with Professor Binns, one that you won’t be keen to dwell on.”

Fabian smirked and suddenly Remus recognized them. They looked older and much more solemn than they had a few years ago, but he realized these were Gideon and Fabian Prewett,  the pranksters Sirius had idolized in their second and third years. Sure enough, when Remus glanced over at him, Sirius was slouched languidly in his chair, trying desperately to remain cool and unaffected, but in reality Remus knew he was starstruck.

“If you do choose to join up,” Fabian said, “you’ll assist the Order in research during the remainder of your time at Hogwarts and you’ll begin defensive training that’ll prepare you for active membership.”

“Plus it’ll make your DADA exam a breeze,” Gideon added.

“You’ll also be sworn to the same oath of secrecy that all members abide by.”

“And what happens if we break the oath?” Sirius questioned boldly.

“Then you’ll face the consequences and trust me,” Fabian grinned wickedly, “they won’t be pleasant.”

Gideon and Fabian spent the better part of an hour answering questions and explaining the various roles of different Order members. At the end, Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter signed up, as well as Lily, Dorcas, Marlene, and a few others. They left the classroom buzzing with excitement, although heeded Fabian’s cryptic warning and resisted the urge to discuss what they’d learned.

“This is big,” Sirius whispered later as they got ready for bed. Peter and James were already in bed, but he and Remus had prolonged their nighttime routines, a custom they employed only as often as they dared as it would look suspicious if they lingered in the bathroom each night.

“It is,” Remus agreed and covered Sirius’s hand with his own.

“It’s going to change everything,” he breathed.

Remus shrugged, “Things were going to change anyway.”

“But this is _war_ Remus, and we just put ourselves in the middle of it.”

Remus looked him in the eye. Daringly, he raised a hand to Sirius’s cheek, “Would you have had it any other way?”

Sirius smiled sadly, “No.” He kissed Remus softly.

“Just promise me we’ll get through this together,” Remus said when he pulled away.

“I promise,” Sirius whispered.

Remus was about to go in for another kiss, when James’s pillow came crashing into the bathroom. Remus jumped about a foot in his surprise.

“PUT OUT THAT BLEEDING LIGHT,” James roared from his bed.

Remus collapsed in Sirius’s arms, shaking with silent laughter.

“Shhh,” Sirius laughed, kissing him, and put out the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and any comments you have are always appreciated! Thanks for reading!!


	7. August 1978

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders have graduated and Sirius and Remus are living together in an apartment near Diagon Alley.

Remus sighed wearily as he entered the third floor flat. He gingerly removed his apron, taking care to avoid the singed areas.

“Hello!” Sirius called from the kitchen. He popped his head around the corner, “I’m just finishing sup-” he paused, looking Remus up and down, “you’re looking a bit worse for wear.”

Sirius walked towards him, leaning in for a kiss. “I wouldn’t,” Remus warned and dodged him, “if you’re fond of keeping your face that way.”

“Beauty is only skin-deep,” Sirius remarked as Remus crossed to the sitting room, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”

“Well, Streeler venom will penetrate beyond skin-deep, I assure you.” Remus hesitated slightly before tossing the apron into the fireplace, where it immediately ignited in a burst of flames.

Sirius moved behind him and circled his waist, resting his head on Remus’s shoulder. “You know how much I like to be penetrated,” he whispered filthily in Remus’s ear. Sirius turned Remus around to face him, “You were on Snail duty again today?”

Remus nodded, “It’s the third time in two weeks I’ve had to clean out their cages. When I took this job, I thought it’d be a good way to get some hands-on experience and learn more about Magical Creatures, but it really is more trouble than it’s worth. I understand that the new guy gets the grunt work, but this is getting ridiculous.”

“Poor Moony,” Sirius pouted, “let’s get you out of these dirty clothes.” Sirius peeled off Remus’s shirt, careful to avoid any dodgy-looking stains, and pulled him into a searing kiss. They kissed each other hungrily, a battle for dominance which Sirius ultimately won. He backed Remus up until they hit the kitchen table.

“Sirius,” Remus grunted through the kiss, “my work-”

“You know you really shouldn’t leave all this lying around,” Sirius advised, indicating the books and bits of parchment littering the table.

“If anyone but us looks at it, all they’ll see is an extensive research project on the Hinkypunk,” Remus explained, “so there’s no danger in anyone decoding what I’m up to.”

“I couldn’t give a Troll’s tit about someone reading your top secret Order research, it’s just one less surface that I can snog you on.” Sirius reached behind him and swept the books to the floor.

“Sirius!” Remus cried, but Sirius was already bending him over the table, attempting to resume where they’d left off. “Shove off,” Remus pushed him away and crouched to the floor, trying in vain to make sense of the mess of parchment. He soon realized the futility of the task and instead snatched his shirt from where Sirius had discarded it, then whirled around to face him, “You know, sometimes you can be a right arse, Sirius Black!” Remus winced as he pulled the soiled shirt over his head, “I spend all day scraping toxic slime off of cages because _someone_ has to earn a salary in this house-”

Sirius crossed his arms defensively, “I told you - we can live off the money from my uncle for a while-”

“-and when I get home, the _least_ I expect is that my work - my ‘top secret Order research,’ as you so accurately referred to it - is undisturbed, because although it may not look like it to you, there is a _system_ of _organization_ in place here!”

“Okay, okay,” Sirius held up his hands, as if admitting his mistake.

“No it’s not okay!” Remus had grown quite red in the face, “I know it’s not as vital or as glamorous as the missions you and James are always galavanting off to, but this is what Dumbledore has tasked me with, this is how I can be useful.”

“Yeah, well not anymore!” Sirius roared back.

“What are you on about?”

Sirius pulled a crumpled piece of parchment from his back pocket and slammed it on the table in front of Remus. “You have an new assignment. Congratulations.”

Sirius huffed and ran his hands through his hair. He stalked angrily to the kitchen and began slamming pots and pans around, a pantomime of preparing dinner.

Remus reached for the letter, frowning, and read the familiar looping handwriting:

_The time has come to reach out to the community. One week before the full. The foothills at dusk._

Remus put down the letter. “When did this arrive?” he called.

“This morning,” Sirius replied moodily from the kitchen. His back was to Remus as he resolutely doled out heaping portions of whatever he had concocted.

Remus approached him and placed a gentle hand on his tensed shoulder. Sirius gasped and dropped the ladle. He turned to Remus, tears brimming in his eyes. Remus pulled Sirius into him and they clung to each other.

“We knew this would happen,” Remus whispered into his ear, “it was only a matter of time.”

Sirius’s voice was muffled with his face buried in the crook of Remus’s neck, “Doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.”

“No,” Remus stroked his hair, “I supposed not.”

“We should probably clear this shite off the floor, right?” Sirius indicated the mess beneath the table. Remus knew Sirius well enough to interpret this as, _I’m sorry for being an arse and knocking your work to the floor._

Remus shrugged, “I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. Some other prat will have to pick up where I left off - all this is his problem now.” He bent to collect the papers all the same. Sirius knelt with him, shame coloring his cheeks. “Pads-” Remus reached for his hand, “Don’t worry about it. You were upset.”

Sirius shook his head, “It’s no excuse. I shouldn’t’ve-”

His words were cut off by a burst of emerald flames in the fireplace. The head of a fellow Order Member, Benjy Fenwick, appeared and said gravely, “Mission gone south, it’s all hands on deck boys.”

Remus looked at Sirius who nodded and they swiftly entered into the flames one behind the other.

* * *

Remus sat against the low brick wall at the edge of the lawn. The blaze from the house had been mostly extinguished, but the embers still glowed menacingly. Thick smoke choked what would otherwise have been a pleasant summer night.

“Moony!” Sirius called to him. He was covered in soot, panic evident as he crossed the lawn to where Remus sat. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine - it looks worse than it is,” Remus insisted, “Just got caught in the blast.” He’d fared better than some, a few cuts and some bruising to his ribs. “What about you? Last I saw, you were in the thick of the fighting.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Sirius brushed off his concerns. “Has anyone seen to you? Lily’s here somewhere - or I could give it a go. Probably not wise, but it’s better than nothing.”

“She has more urgent matters to attend to, I’m sure.” Sirius reached to touch his face, the right side of which had been sliced up by a shattered window. Remus instinctively leaned into his touch, before he realized where they were and quickly removed his hand. He resisted the urge to scan the dark lawn for onlookers, worried he’d draw even further attention, but those around them were still focused on the smoldering ruins of the house. “Not here,” he begged.

“No one’s paying us any mind,” Sirius responded, but he lowered his hand.

“Who died?” Remus was almost afraid to ask, “I saw-”

“Dorcas,” Sirius said quickly, painfully, “It was Dorcas.”

“Oh Sirius,” Remus wanted so badly to hold him. He and Dorcas had been dueling side by side before Remus had lost sight of them in the fray. Their fighting styles complemented each other well and they often partnered together on missions. Remus knew how much of a blow this must be to Sirius. “I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t-” he said brusquely. Sirius hunched his shoulders and turned away from him briefly. He took a steadying breath and seemed to recover himself. “Let’s get you home, yeah?

“Alright,” Remus agreed tentatively. He knew Sirius was holding back for his sake and cursed himself for not being more useful in a fight.

They were in a Muggle neighborhood, so while it wasn’t safe to Apparate, Portkeys had been set up on the outskirts. “Sirius,” Remus spoke softly as they walked down the street towards the Portkey that would take them back to Diagon Alley. Sirius looked back at him questioningly. “Is it always like that?”

Sirius slowed and took his hand. “No Moony,” he laced their fingers together, “sometimes it’s much worse. But sometimes it’s boring, tedious work. Sometimes nothing happens, you really just never know.”

“That’s what scares me,” Remus admitted. He thought about his upcoming assignment for the Order. Although he hadn’t expressed it to Sirius, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make much headway appealing to the werewolf community. If he were being honest, Remus thought he’d make a much better Researcher than Werewolf Liaison. He’d never had the urge to acquaint himself with another werewolf and had strived to distance himself from that part of his life as much as possible. Remus had never even considered that a “community” of wolves existed until Dumbledore had taken him aside and explained his intentions for Remus to make contact with them. He fully anticipated going to meet them before the next full moon only to be turned away. He supposed he didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, Dumbledore’s orders were clear, but how shameful, he thought, to have to report back empty handed, not even able to converse with his own people.

Just a few hours ago he’d complained about mucking cages at Magical Menagerie, but now that he had a real chance to contribute, he was making excuses not to get involved. Tonight he’d gotten a mere glimpse at what Sirius and the others faced each day. Remus wished he could go back in time to that afternoon, get on his knees, and humbly thank Sirius for risking his life for him every damn day. And not just for him - for the Muggle and Wizarding World alike. It made his role so far seem even more trivial than he’d realized. Remus made a vow that he would do whatever he could for the cause, his feelings for the werewolf community aside.

“You coming?” Sirius broke his train of thought. He tapped his watch and gestured to the Portkey. Remus joined him and together they gripped the Portkey and vanished.

* * *

“Come Remus, you’re next,” Lily motioned for him to sit in the chair facing her. She, James, and Peter had arrived, armed with Firewhiskey, shortly after he and Sirius had got in and the five of them had toasted to Dorcas. Having finished tending to those Order members who required more immediate attention onsite, Lily was now seeing to her friends’ minor injuries. She was two months into her Healer training at St. Mungo’s and apparently her supervisors were blown away by her performance thus far. “I think they’re worried I’m gunning for their positions,” she’d said slyly, “little do they know I’m pulling double-duty and could never handle the night shifts with all the work I do for the Order.”

Remus grimaced as Lily applied a thick violet paste to his cheek, which began to burn immediately. “That’s how you know it’s working,” Lily chuckled.

“Oi, Pete,” Remus nodded at him from across the table, gesturing to the half-empty bottle, “help a bloke out.”

Peter poured him a shot and slid it to him. Remus downed it and coughed at the burning sensation now in his throat as well as his face.

“Attaboy Moony,” James thumped him on the back as he returned from the kitchen.

“James!” Lily scolded, “He has to keep still.” She examined the paste for something only she could see, clicked her tongue and snapped her fingers. “Rag please,” she prompted.

James handed her the cloth he’d readied with warm water and Lily carefully removed the paste from Remus’s face. Remus lifted his hand to feel that his cheek, which had previously been torn to shreds, was now impossibly smooth. “That’s amazing Lily,” he said in awe, “Can you treat me after the full?”

“If only,” she said apologetically, “It doesn’t work on enchanted wounds.”

“Ah,” Remus replied, trying to mask his disappointment, “should’ve known.” He refilled his glass, glancing around the flat, “Where’s Sirius gone?”

The others looked around as well, as if just noticing his absence. Remus excused himself and went down the hall to the second bedroom. They kept the first bedroom fully furnished and whenever they had company referred to it as Remus’s room, but in reality they rarely used it unless they wanted a change of scenery. “Sirius’s bedroom” at the end of the hall was the one they shared. Remus knocked softly on the door. “Padfoot?” he called.

“I’m fine Moony,” came Sirius’s muffled voice, “go back to the kitchen.”

“You’re not fine,” he challenged, “I can hear it in your voice. I’m coming in.” Remus turned the knob and opened the door to see Sirius sitting on the floor with his back against the bed, face blotchy with tears, cradling his own bottle of Firewhiskey like it was a small child, or else a lifeline.

“Sirius,” Remus breathed; Sirius’s grief was palpable within the room. He shut the door behind him and joined Sirius on the floor.

“I couldn’t save her,” Sirius sobbed and buried himself in Remus’s arms, “I couldn’t do anything. It happened so fast-”

“I know, I know,” Remus murmured, “but we’re okay, we’re here, we’re still here - you and me.”

Sirius cried, long anguished wails that welled from deep inside. Remus just held him until he began to calm down, breathing deeply so that Sirius could mimic the rise and fall of his chest. Once he was able, Sirius whispered with the hint of a smile, “I want to kiss you, but I’m afraid Pete’ll walk in on us.”

Remus chuckled, smoothing the hair away from Sirius’s face, “He does have terrible timing, doesn’t he?”

“I’d say he does it on purpose, but that’d be giving him too much credit, I think,” Sirius laughed in earnest, then continued shakily, “We could just tell them you know, then we wouldn’t have to keep up the charade, pay for this two bedroom flat. We could get a one bedroom and wallow in our obscenely large bed.”

“Hmmm,” Remus considered, “but then we’d never leave it.”

“Alas!” Sirius sat up and brushed the tears from his cheeks, “You’ve seen through my dastardly plan! This was all a ploy to get you into bed with me and never leave.”

“As clever as it was, I think someone would notice our disappearance,” Remus deadpanned, “Lily, at least.”

Sirius shrugged, growing somber again, “Plenty of people go missing these days - why can’t it be for something good for once?”

Remus began to get up, but Sirius reached out and caught his wrist. “Rem-” Sirius pulled him back down to sit with him and looked at Remus miserably, desperately, “I don't want you to go.”

Remus looked at their laps, taking Sirius’s hands, but not meeting his gaze. “Imagine how I've felt sending you off to battle this whole time.”

Sirius chuckled darkly, “A lot like this, I'd expect.”

Remus rose and paced the room, agitated. Although he wanted to stay with Sirius, to stay _for_ him, he needed to do this. Not just for the Order, but for himself as well, to prove that he could. “How can I keep letting you and James risk your lives while I sit here and read books? Lily’s learning to save lives - hell, even Peter’s started going on missions.”

“Yeah, _scouting_ missions,” Sirius argued and an idea lit his face, “Why can't you do that? Partner with Wormtail?”

Remus shook his head, “I’m the only one who can do this job. It has to be me.” He reached for Sirius, “Do you get that, Pads? It _has_ to be me.”

Sirius pulled Remus into a tight embrace. “Since when did you get so goddamn noble?”

Remus laughed, “Maybe you’re rubbing off on me.”

“Seven years in Gryffindor: nothing.” Sirius let him go and grabbed the bottle. He pulled Remus toward the door, “Two months living with me and suddenly you’re a bloody martyr.”

Sirius opened the bedroom door and turned to kiss him quickly. Remus hadn’t even had time to recover before Sirius called down the hall, brandishing the whiskey bottle, “Alright Marauders, whose glass is empty?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took some licenses in this chapter about the various roles the members of the Order play (since the canon is so vague - both a blessing and a curse). Also at this point Lily knows that Remus is a werewolf - not sure how the fandom feels about that, but in my story I want Lily and Remus to be close and keeping her in the dark is an enormous roadblock standing in the way of that.
> 
> All comments are appreciated! Thanks for reading :)


	8. November 1978

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius arrives home from a mission to find Remus injured after the full moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a chapter I've been looking forward to writing. I'm trying to lean into the institutionalized discrimination against werewolves in this story. It's something that I find really interesting about the canon.
> 
> I'd like to say a very heartfelt THANK YOU to my first few commenters! This is a labor of love and a big undertaking for me, so your feedback means so much. Thanks as well to all who are reading and if you have a moment, please let me know what you think about the characterization, my pseudo-British slang (I'm trying!), the episodic format, or whatever strikes your fancy. :)

“Remus!” Sirius called as he dropped his pack in the front hall. “Remus? Are you home?”

Sirius entered the darkened flat, illuminated only by the rays of the waning moon.

“I’m sorry I’m later than expected,” Sirius continued speaking as he stumbled through the sitting room to the kitchen. His wand was buried in his cloak and he was too tired to fish it out. “James bungled our transport home and so we had to stay an extra night.” He lit the lamp on the kitchen table and turned to the still-silent flat. “Moony?” he called again. Maybe he wasn’t home, Sirius thought, although he’d been due back from his monthly assignment yesterday. The end of the full moon had been two days ago, but it was possible Remus had got caught up just as he had. Sirius tried to remain calm, but his mind had a way of jumping to the worst conclusion these days. He busied himself with unloading his pack; it wasn’t until he wandered down the hall that he noticed a black smear on the wall. His heart leapt to his throat and he scrambled for his wand. It could be anything, he assured himself frantically, it could be mud, or chocolate, or… “Blood,” Sirius whispered in the wandlight. “Moony!” he called, panicked now. He burst through the bedroom door - more blood on the handle, the carpet, the bed-

Remus lay huddled on the bed, clothes torn and bloodied. “Padfoot,” he whimpered.

“Hey, hey,” Sirius rushed to support him, cradling his broken body, “I’m here. I’m right here.” Sirius couldn’t see the extent of the damage in the dim lighting, nor through the mess of Remus’s clothing. “Where’s the worst of it Remus? Where is all the blood coming from?”

“My torso mostly,” Remus said faintly, “my back.”

“ _ Diffindo _ ,” Sirius muttered and Remus’s clothes fell away, “ _ Vulnera Sanentur _ .” He prayed that the incantation that had made the rounds in their last few years at Hogwarts actually did what it was rumored to do and didn’t exacerbate Remus’s wounds. He breathed a sigh of relief when the bleeding slowed and the deepest gashes seemed to shrink, if only minutely. “This is beyond me,” Sirius admitted, “we need to get you to St. Mungo’s.”

“No,” Remus moaned, “you can’t take me there.”

“Why bloody not?” Sirius swore, “If there were ever a time to call on the expertise of a Healer - now would be it.”

“They won’t…” Remus was fading fast, “...treat me so close…to the full moon.”

“We have to try, Remus,” Sirius rushed to get him some clean clothes, “I can’t just leave you like this.”

“I just need time...I’ll heal,” Remus insisted with his eyes closed.

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t believe you.” Sirius sat him up to get him dressed. Remus failed to stifle a groan as his injuries complained. “Case in point,” Sirius said sharply, “Up you get.”

He assisted Remus to the door and supported him down the hallway. “How did you get here? Did you Apparate?”

Remus nodded, “I think it made it worse.”

“We’ll Floo there,” Sirius assured him. He grabbed a handful of the emerald green powder from the mantle and threw it into the fireplace. Flames erupted in the grate, but before he stated their destination Sirius turned to Remus. “Who did this to you?” Sirius questioned, certain he knew the answer.

“Who else?” Remus panted from the effort of standing, “Greyback.”

* * *

 

Voices came to Remus in fragments, sometimes with a tone of urgency that sharpened their clarity, but most of it was garbled as if he were floating underwater. He was aware of his consciousness slipping in and out, but he couldn’t quite grasp it, so he made sense of what he could before he lost it completely.

“He was attacked?”

“Yes, by a werewolf.”

“Has he shown any signs of being infected?”

“...understand, he’s already a werewolf.”

“...registration…”

“...give a damn about your bloody list...treat him or not?”

“Our policy...would be impossible...the full moon.”

“Look at him! Does he seem dangerous to you?” Remus tried to focus on the thread of Sirius’s voice and use it to drag himself to the surface, “...not leaving here until he’s seen to!”

“Sir, please calm down.”

“No I will not calm down! I will continue to cause a scene until my friend is shown some care!” Remus opened his eyes and realized we was sprawled haphazardly across a chair. Though his head swam and his vision was still foggy, he could make out Sirius pacing in front of the information desk in the waiting area. The witch behind the desk looked quite alarmed, but was holding her own.

“It is hospital policy-” she began valiantly.

“Oh, so this is indeed a hospital, is it?” Sirius fumed, voice laden with sarcasm. “Because we’ve been waiting here for two hours now and my friend has yet to receive any sort of care. He is literally _bleeding_ _out_ in one of your chairs-” he gestured furiously toward Remus and caught sight of him struggling to sit up.

“Remus!” Sirius called and rushed to his side. He pulled him up into a more comfortable position and when he pulled his hand away it was stained red with blood. 

“We shouldn’t have come here,” Remus mumbled, “I told you they wouldn’t treat me.”

“Moony, no,” Sirius sat beside him and put his arm around his shoulders, “we can’t let them do this. This is discrimination.”

“It’s all perfectly legal,” Remus replied darkly.

“If we leave here it’ll just be the same thing at home - I can’t heal you,” Sirius said helplessly.

“But at least we’ll be home,” Remus reasoned and rested his pounding head on Sirius’s shoulder. He was past the point of caring how they looked; Remus felt so wretched that any small comfort was a relief. They sat in silence for a long while; Remus felt his consciousness retreating once again. “Let’s just go home Sirius,” he said thickly. Sirius tightened his arm around Remus and brushed his lips brazenly against his forehead, then all went black.

* * *

 

“Sirius?” a tentative voice startled him. He whirled around and saw Lily in her Healer’s robes standing at the end of the row of chairs. Had she seen him kiss Remus? “I thought I heard your voice - in fact, they probably heard it three floors up,” she joked amiably. Her mood changed instantly when she moved closer and saw Remus slumped against him. Lily bent to examine him, “What happened?”

“Bad moon,” Sirius said cryptically, still cradling Remus against him.

She looked up, “He did this to himself?”

Sirius shook his head and Lily seemed to understand that he couldn’t say more. “Can you help him?” Sirius’s voice shook, “Please, Lil.”

Lily scanned the waiting room; they were the only ones remaining at this time of night and the witch was now dozing lightly at her desk. 

“He’s lost a lot of blood,” Sirius said weakly. Indeed, his wounds were bleeding so heavily that Sirius’s robes were damp with it where Remus had been pressed against him.

Lily continued her assessment of Remus, gently prodding his sides with her wand. Sirius helped lean him forward so she could reach the mess that was his back. “That should stop the bleeding for now,” she murmured, “Wait here - I’ll be right back.” She rose swiftly from where she’d been crouched and hurried out of the waiting room, disappearing through the door from which they’d been barred entrance all night.

Sirius closed Remus’s robes tenderly and whispered, “Just hold on a little bit longer Moony, almost there now.”

Lily returned a short while later carrying a goblet brimming with a thick, red potion. She glanced over her shoulder to make certain the witch at the desk was still fast asleep. “Hold this for me Padfoot,” she handed him the potion without waiting for a response, her gaze fixed on Remus. “Remus?” she said softly and brushed her fingers through his hair, “Remus, can you hear me?” Sirius was touched by her tenderness. “I need you to wake up now.”

Remus groaned and shifted in his seat. “Lily,” he said groggily.

“Hey Moony,” she said with a sad smile. “This is a Blood-Replenishing Potion,” Lily gestured to Sirius and he handed over the potion, “It’s going to help you feel better. Can you sit up for me?”

Remus winced, but managed to straighten up in the chair with Sirius’s help. She gave him the potion and Remus took it with trembling hands. He took a small sip and grimaced as it went down. “You’re trying to finish me off,” he coughed.

“It tastes like rubbish, I know, but try to drink it all, yeah? I’m going to whisk Sirius away for a moment to go over some other treatments you can do at home. Will you be alright here until we come back?”

Remus nodded and obligingly took another gulp.

Sirius squeezed Remus’s shoulder as he got up and followed Lily around the corner. “Don’t want that old bat to wake up and see us,” Lily grumbled. She brought him into the hall where they were truly alone and turned to Sirius. “Alright, I managed to nick you a few things-” she produced a small vile from inside her robes, “-Essence of Dittany. Draw him a warm bath and mix in a few drops of this, a little goes a long way. If you can get your hands on anything silver, crush it up and add it as well - make sure it’s pure silver, mind you - it’ll help seal the gashes.” Sirius nodded to show he understood and Lily continued, this time handing him a small canister, “This is a salve made with Murtlap Essence - my own concoction,” Sirius recognized it from her work in the field with the Order, “After the bath, rub the salve on his wounds. It’ll help with the pain and to reduce the scarring, although it won’t be able to heal them completely.”

Sirius accepted both and felt a wave of relief wash over him. The past several hours had played out like a nightmare, with no escape in sight, yet somehow Lily had appeared to lead them out of the dark. “Lily, I-” his voice broke, “I don’t know how to thank you.”

She shook her head, and pulled him into a hug, her voice thick with tears as well, “I only wish I could do more. I wish I could give him a bed, care for him myself. Remus doesn’t deserve to be treated like this - no one does. It’s this bloody hospital policy-”

“I know Lil,” Sirius assured her, “really, you’ve done more than enough.”

“I’ll stop by and check on him once my shift is over, just - just take care of him, okay?” She brushed tears from her cheeks, but her eyes blazed with intensity, “We have to take care of each other - these days, survival is a revolutionary act."

“Yeah, and so is Healing. Truly Lily, he may have died if not for you.”

She scoffed, “You’d never have let that happen.”

Sirius glanced in the direction of the waiting area and smiled to himself, “No, I suppose not.” 

Lily stared at him, brows furrowed, and Sirius turned in time to catch a knowing look cross her face. He leaned in quickly to kiss her cheek, hoping to skate over the sticky moment, “Thanks again Lily - I’d better get Remus home.” Heat rose in his cheeks as she continued to gaze at him, and he had the peculiar sensation of being utterly transparent. Sirius hurried around the corner, emotions battling inside him as he scooped up Remus and prepared to Floo them home. On the one hand, involving Lily had probably saved Remus’s life, but on the other - he suspected he’d just inadvertently outed them to one of their closest friends. It was only a matter of time before the whole of Wizarding London knew - and perhaps a few Muggles as well.

* * *

 

“I think she knows,” Sirius swirled his fingers absently in the warm bath water. It was murky with Dittany and silver. Sirius had managed to unearth a silver spoon sporting the Black family crest - taken ironically on his way out of Grimmauld Place all those years ago - and performed a pulverizing spell. The powder gave the water a pleasant shimmer.

“Mmmm,” Remus murmured with his eyes closed. It could have been agreement or a question, but he seemed too blissed out to elaborate.

“Lily,” Sirius clarified, “I think she knows about us.” Sirius waited anxiously for Remus’s reaction; he hated to disturb him now that he finally looked at peace, submerged up to his chin and leaning languidly against the tub, but Remus had a right to know if their secret was out.

“What gave you that idea?” Remus responded after a few moments. Sirius could tell it took him a great deal of effort to carry on the conversation from the haze of total relaxation. 

Sirius shrugged and mopped at Remus’s chest with a cloth; the layer of dirt and blood came off easily, yet the water remained a shimmery silver color. “Just the way she looked at us. I think she saw me kiss your forehead. We weren’t exactly being subtle in that waiting room.”

“Well, this is Lily we’re talking about. She figured out I was a werewolf after only dating James for a few months,” Remus stilled Sirius’s hand with his own. He opened his eyes and rubbed slow circles on the back of Sirius’s hand with his thumb. “I’ve been thinking...would it be so bad if she knew?”

Sirius beamed, “Really?”

“Really,” Remus smiled back at him, “I know I’ve sworn us to secrecy, and I’m sorry for that. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to our friends - it’s just me being...paranoid, I guess.”

“No,” Sirius shook his head, “You have every right to be cautious. In fact, it was probably wise to wait this long. If it had been up to me, I would’ve jumped headfirst and plunged us into the spotlight. Now we can pick and choose who we tell, we can ease into it.”

“I want Lily and James to know,” Remus said decisively, “We should’ve told them a long time ago.”

Sirius leaned forward and kissed Remus softly. “Thank you,” he whispered. 

“Thank  _ you _ ,” Remus framed Sirius’s face with dripping hands, “for waiting until I was ready.”

“It’ll be good to have them in the know,” a shadow passed across Sirius’s features, “in case, you know...anything happens.”

“No, don’t-” Remus attempted to sit up but winced at the sudden movement. “- _ blimey _ , that hurt - this shouldn’t be because we’re afraid of losing each other. Telling our friends we’re together should be a happy thing. After all this time waiting, you deserve that.”

“We both do,” Sirius agreed, “but we have to be realistic. Coming home, seeing the blood, finding you like that…” he tried to keep his voice steady, “We have to start facing the possibility that something worse could happen next time. I can’t imagine losing you, but think how much worse it would be if one of us died and we couldn’t even mourn properly in front of the others. At least this way we’ll have someone to fall back on if - if the worst happens - someone who’ll know what we’re going through.”

Remus gave him a look so full of concern that Sirius had to turn away. He busied himself preparing a towel.

“It’s okay to be scared Sirius,” Remus said from behind him, “I am.”

“I’m not just scared,” he gripped the towel and fought back angry tears, “I’m fucking terrified. Those bastards wouldn’t even treat you, Moony! How can we possibly stand a chance against Voldemort, when there’s so much hate already out there - when shit like this is still happening? I don’t know what we would’ve done if Lily hadn’t been there.”

Remus stood shakily in the tub and Sirius rushed to support him. He gripped Sirius’s shoulder to steady himself and reached for the towel. “We would’ve done what any other wolf would do after a bad moon. A lot of them don’t have an option - they can’t just stroll into St. Mungo’s-”

“We were hardly strolling,” Sirius interjected as he wrapped the towel around him.

Remus continued as if he hadn’t spoken, “-either because they have no one to take them or because maybe they’re not registered.”

They made their way slowly to the bedroom. Although it was only a few paces down the hall, it took the better part of ten minutes to get Remus comfortably situated on the bed. “What happens to them if they’re not registered?” Sirius asked while he retrieved Lily’s salve.

Remus settled on his stomach so that the worst scratches on his back were exposed. “Unless they can pay the exorbitant fine on top of the registration fees, which most of them can’t, they go to trial,” he inhaled sharply at the lightning bolts spiderwebbing across his back as Sirius applied the violet paste. “Many are locked up.”

Sirius stopped rubbing in the salve, incredulous, “In Azkaban? For a non-criminal offense?!”

“It’s this Ministry!” Remus, perhaps rather stupidly, turned on his side to face him, although the pain seemed to fuel his anger, “If they had their way, being a werewolf  _ would  _ be a crime. We need massive reform, and I don’t see that happening anytime soon even if we do win the war.”

Sirius jerked his chin to indicate Remus should turn over and resumed administering the salve. He massaged Remus’s muscles as much as he could, hoping to diminish the pain, both physical and emotional. “I always thought about how you were disadvantaged by your lycanthropy - I never stopped to think about how much worse it could get.”

Remus nodded, “As difficult as it's been for me, I’ve led a charmed life compared to the wolves I met. At least I was able to go to school, to learn magic. So many of them have nothing. I have a home, friends, a family, someone who,” he paused, “...cares about me… The way they live - they're so cut off. They have no one to stand up for them, in the government, against Voldemort. I have to advocate for them, in whatever way I can.”

Sirius frowned and set the canister aside. “It sounds like you’re thinking about going back.”

“I have to,” Remus said without hesitation, “I just can’t leave them.”

“But Greyback nearly killed you,” Sirius cried, “merely for being there! What do you think he’ll do if he sees you back - preaching the Word of the Order, no less?”

Remus breathed a sigh of relief as Sirius ran a warm cloth over his back to remove the excess salve, “This was the first time I’ve seen him. It was only by chance he was there this month. The Death Eaters keep him pretty busy.”

“It's not just him! The others just stood there and watched while he…” Sirius hesitated, it seemed to pain him to say the words, “...tore you apart.” He carefully lay down next to Remus, hoping to avoid aggravating his injuries.

“They’re scared!”

“That’s no excuse,” Sirius said roughly. Remus gripped his hip to draw him closer. Sirius trailed his fingers from his temple to his jaw and leaned in to kiss him.

“I have to help them,” Remus said desperately when they parted, imploring Sirius to understand, “no one else will.”

“Even if that means risking your life?”

“If that's what it takes, then yes,” Remus looked at him with shining eyes. “I’m going to keep seeing them, I hope you’ll support me.”

Sirius involuntarily choked out a sob. Remus drew him in again and kissed him softly. He stroked his hair and rubbed soothing circles on Sirius’s back as he cried into Remus’s chest. Once Sirius had calmed down enough to speak, he raised his head to look Remus in the eye. “If you see him again, if he comes back, you get the hell out of there -  _ run _ , Remus, and don’t look back.”

Remus nodded. “I will,” he whispered.

Sirius scrubbed his hand over his face, “You're going to get yourself killed.”

Remus noted the fondness in his voice, the hint of pride. “You take the same risk every day,” he reasoned, “the only difference is I run with werewolves instead of wizards.”

Sirius pulled Remus into him so his head was resting on Sirius’s chest. “Yeah, well I’d hate to see you at the wrong end of a wand as well,” he gazed down at him, “It's not about the wolves, Moony - I need you to know that. It’s not that I think they’re any more dangerous than Death Eaters. It's the fact that I love you and I miss you and I worry about you when you're away.”

Remus looked up at him in shock, “You what?”

Sirius frowned, confused by Remus’s reaction, “I said I worry about you.”

Remus sat up, his hands resting on Sirius’s chest, “No - the other bit. You said you love me.”

“I do love you,” Sirius stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“We - we’ve never said that to each other before,” Remus said weakly.

“Haven't we?” Sirius shrugged, “I suppose I've thought it so much, I just-"

Remus launched forward, cutting him off with a kiss. “I love you too,” he said breathlessly.

The two exchanged slow, lingering kisses until Sirius pulled back abruptly, “Hang on, we’ve been together for two years and we’ve  _ never _ said we love each other?!”

“I’ve sort of been waiting for you to say it…” Remus admitted sheepishly.

“Well next time,” Sirius kissed him deeply, “don’t wait on me.”

Remus nodded and gripped his nape to pull him back down.


	9. April 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No promise is absolute, no matter how much you intend to keep it.

“I’ve known James for...blimey - nearly eight years now. We haven’t always been the upstanding citizens you see before you, we’ve gotten into our fair share of mischief, but he’s the best mate a bloke could ask for. His family took me in when I had nowhere else to go… James taught me that you could be both proud and kind, something I’d not personally witnessed before. He’s been like a brother to me… Thank Merlin Lily finally took pity on him and gave James the time of day, or else I’d’ve likely been saddled with him for the rest of our lives. But really Lily, from the moment James saw you, he only had eyes for you. A bit annoying, actually. I’ve never seen a man pine quite so hard… It’s a testament to how good you are that you were able to see past his overly large head and give him a chance. And the rest, as they say, is history. You were, of course, made for each other. Just look at all the people who’ve gathered around you to celebrate this union. We’re all here because we can see the goodness in you both - the strength and light and _kindness_ that is harder and harder to come by these days. The world needs more of that kindness. So let’s raise a glass to kindness, the strongest magic I’ve ever known, and to James and Lily who are absolutely lousy with it.”

* * *

Remus wandered away from the party; the din of voices carried from the backyard up the slope of the hill beyond it. Laughter and clinking glasses, a sound so at odds with the soundtrack of their day-to-day. Remus smiled to himself and continued, twinkling fairy lights led the way to a lone figure lying on the crest of the hill.

“Had enough of the festivities?” he asked as Sirius gazed dreamily up at the stars. The starlight reflected eerily in his eyes, giving him a look that was both haunting and beautiful.

“Come,” he said quietly, “lie down with me. The stars are fucking amazing - you can't see them like this in London.”

Remus sat down to join him and felt the ground give beneath him, “...did you cast a Cushioning Charm on the ground?”

“You know I cast frivolously when I’m drunk,” Sirius said dismissively.

Remus silently wondered if alcohol had been the only substance in which Sirius had partaken that evening, but he kept his thoughts to himself. “Nice speech by the way.”

Sirius shrugged nonchalantly and winked, “I aim to please. There’s a reason they made me best man.” Remus chuckled fondly at Sirius’s casual arrogance. “You truly liked it though?” Sirius asked, revealing the self-consciousness Remus knew hid beneath his bravado, “You don’t think I laid it on too thick?”

“I think it was just thick enough Padfoot,” Remus assured him.

They lay together for a while, the only noise came from the sounds of the party wafting up to them. Remus tried to locate the Dog Star, Sirius’s namesake, but he'd always been rubbish at Astronomy. It was one of the more calculated arts that belonged to Sirius’s area of expertise; he’d been gifted at subjects that required a little more finesse, such as Potions. Besides Lily, Sirius had been one of the few Gryffindors to take a shine to it, yet he'd made his distaste for brewing well known at school. Remus suspected that had more to do with Professor Slughorn’s blatant favoritism to the Slytherins - Snape in particular. Remus preferred practical arts like Care of Magical Creatures and Defense Against the Dark Arts in which a hands-on approach was necessary.

If only Remus had had some of Sirius and Lily’s talent in potion brewing - he’d heard rumors of a miracle cure being developed for lycanthropy. He doubted he could afford it, but maybe if he could brew it… He couldn’t ask Sirius or Lily for help - they already had so much on their plate, nor did he have any idea the ingredients needed for the potion. Could he get in touch with Snape…? He stopped himself, realizing how foolish his train of thought was. There was no world in which Severus Snape would ever willingly help him; even if they weren’t on opposite sides of a war, schoolboy grudges run deep.

Sirius broke through his thoughts with a realization of his own, “Our friends are married.”

“I know,” Remus turned to face him, “they must be mental.”

Sirius shifted to his side as well, “You don’t want to get married someday?”

Remus shook his head, “It’s not that. It just seems like something one should wait on during a war.”

“Nah,” Sirius turned back over to look up at the sky, “all the more reason to do it. To take the leap.”

“Agree to disagree,” Remus opted for diplomacy.

“So, just to be clear,” Sirius said without looking at him, “hypothetically speaking you have nothing against marriage.”

“No,” Remus answered, a smile flickered unseen in the corner of his mouth, “although it’s not something I ever envisioned for myself.”

“Oh,” Sirius couldn’t conceal the disappointment in his voice.

“Because of my lycanthropy,” Remus quickly realized his mistake and rushed to clarify.

“Oh,” his tone was much brighter.

They settled in to look at the stars. Sirius shifted so his head rested on Remus's chest and Remus trailed his fingers lazily through his hair.

“Moony,” Sirius whispered in the dark, “do you think there's a way out of this? Or do you think we’ll keep fighting until there’s no one left?”

Remus thought for a moment, “There's always a way out - although I doubt you'd like it.”

He didn't have to ask what Remus meant. Sirius huffed and pressed his body closer. “I guess death is the ultimate way out. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad,” he mused, “as long as it's quick - and as long as I was sure I’d see you again.”

“Not likely,” Sirius looked up at him with a frown, “seeing as you're definitely going to hell when you kick the bucket.”

Remus grinned wickedly and Sirius whacked him playfully on the chest, “Hey! I'm trying to be thoughtful here! Pensive.”

“Serious?” Remus couldn't help himself.

Sirius sniffed disdainfully, “Will you ever tire of that joke?”

“It never gets old,” Remus smiled. He noticed Sirius was not laughing along and had fallen back into deep contemplation. “You okay?” he asked, concerned.

“Remus…” Sirius sighed heavily, “I just want to get away from it all. You and me, holed up somewhere, living quiet lives.”

Remus shook his head, “You don’t want that.”

“I do!” Sirius insisted and bolted upright to shoot him a defiant glare.

“I might be able to live that way, but you’d hate it. You’d go mad with boredom.”

“I wouldn't. I've had enough of adventure,” he returned to Remus's chest, “Life, with you - that’d be the adventure. We could buy a little cottage by the sea. We’d have a garden where we could grow herbs and vegetables, a library for you-”

“-and a garage for you,” Remus smiled, “to fix up that abomination of a bike.”

“Exactly!” Excitement hummed in his voice, “You can see it can't you?”

“I’m beginning to,” Remus said in spite of himself. Sirius's enthusiasm was contagious.

“Seeing James and Lily today…” Sirius spoke in awed tones as Remus continued playing with his hair, “They stood up in front of everyone and made a promise. They have everything ahead of them, all of life’s ups and downs, the surprises and the mundanities. And they’ll face it together.”

Remus stopped moving his hand, sensing the true meaning behind Sirius’s words. “You want that, with me?”

“I do.”

“No promise is absolute,” Remus reminded him, “especially now.”

Sirius shrugged, “We don't have to get married, I don't need all the song and dance, so long as we make a promise to each other. No matter what comes, we face it together.”

Remus did not believe for a second that Sirius Black, the king of song and dance, wouldn't want some sort of celebration down the road. But he remembered their conversation nearly three years ago, when they had first decided to be together. Although much had changed since then, his feelings for Sirius had only grown. The promise they had made then was even more difficult to keep now, yet Remus felt compelled to renew his vow. “Together,” he said firmly, hoping Sirius believed him more than he did.

Sirius burrowed into his side and kissed his shoulder contently. A cool spring breeze picked up and blew over the hill. Sirius shivered against him, “It’s getting cold.”

“I told you to bring your coat,” Remus said fondly and tightened his embrace. He kissed his forehead, and Sirius moved closer. He kissed the column of Remus’s neck, his hands found their way into the folds of his dress robes. Sirius licked a stripe up his neck and Remus shivered when he felt the pull of teeth gently nibbling at his flesh.

“Warm me up Moony,” Sirius whispered huskily.

Remus didn’t hesitate to take control. He rose swiftly to hover over him and kissed him deeply. Sirius gripped his jaw to bring him closer, but Remus pressed his hand firmly against his chest, restricting his access; Sirius could only get as close as Remus allowed him to. Sirius let out a frustrated moan and Remus smiled at his success. He dropped his weight down onto Sirius, pressing the lines of their bodies flush together and thrusting his tongue deep into the hollow of Sirius’s mouth. Sirius moaned again and writhed beneath him as Remus’s free hand blazed a burning trail down his ribs, over the flat planes of his stomach, and came to rest heavily on his thigh. Remus pulled up for air and Sirius made to follow him, but Remus held him down. “Wanker,” Sirius gasped.

Remus loved Sirius like this: panting and disheveled, sprawled out beneath him. He finally removed his hand and Sirius shot up to crash their mouths together once again. His hands tangled in Remus’s hair, pulling him deeper, until Remus felt like maybe Sirius would swallow him whole, that he might be absorbed by him, become a part of him. Remus thought distantly that it might not be so bad to have Sirius carry him around with him wherever he went - what would he be leaving behind, really? - nothing worth staying for. He was aware that he was close to coming completely undone by him and so with great effort, Remus broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to Sirius’s, taking deep, gulping breaths until he came back to himself.

The sounds from the party penetrated the fog in his mind and Remus reminded himself that they were out in the open, that anyone could wander up here, just as he had. “This would be a fine way for James to find out,” Remus said, trying to slow his racing heartbeat.

Sirius panted and kept his eyes shut; he didn’t seem too keen on being brought crashing back to reality. He still gripped Remus’s hair and their foreheads still touched, but he shifted to sit across from him and answered dutifully, “Lily probably told him months ago.”

Remus huffed, “Peter, then.” Since school, Peter had retained his inadvertent talent of walking in on them in compromising situations while simultaneously remaining completely oblivious to their relationship.

“Sod Peter,” Sirius said brusquely.

Remus kissed him softly, but they both understood that the spell had been broken. He sat back and lifted his hands to smooth Sirius’s hair from his face. He trailed his fingers through its length, exiting near his shoulders and reaching back up to repeat the process. After several passes he tucked the strands behind his ears and rested his hands on Sirius’s chest. It was only then that Sirius seemed able to open his eyes. His breathing had returned to normal, but a deep sadness shone in eyes when he looked at Remus, as if he already knew what Remus was about to say.

“Sirius,” Remus whispered, “I want a life with you. I want the cottage and everything you described. But I can’t…” he paused, willing his voice to stay strong, for Sirius, “...make you a promise. I can't, because if I let myself believe in it, if I let myself think for even a moment that we have any control, the day you don't come back - it’ll destroy me.” He prayed Sirius would understand.

Sirius shook his head and didn’t quite meet his eye, “That’s not going to happen to us.”

“It could! Look at the Prewett brothers, or Benjy. Here one day, gone the next. Or how about Cardoc? Vanished without a trace.” Remus hesitated before he continued, wondering if he was crossing a line, “And it isn’t just our side. Didn't Dumbledore’s source say Regulus has been missing for several weeks now?”

“Regulus made his bed,” Sirius said darkly, “now he’s probably lying in a ditch somewhere.”

“Sirius-”

“No!” he shouted, then lowered his voice, speaking more urgently, almost desperately, “Regulus has nothing to do with us.”

Remus disagreed, “He has everything to do with us! I could vanish tomorrow and you may never know what happened to me.”

Sirius paled at the thought. “So what are you saying?” he cried miserably, “That we should just detach from everything to avoid getting hurt?”

“Of course not!” Distancing himself from Sirius was the last thing Remus wanted to do. “I just think we should tread lightly. Lily and James - they jumped headfirst and that works for them. But you and I, we don't have to follow the same path.”

“You know I'm a ‘jump headfirst’ sort of fellow,” Sirius said with the ghost of a grin.

Remus quirked an eyebrow, “And how does that typically work out for you?”

Sirius submitted, “Alright, we’ll take it slow.”

“I just don't want to rush into anything out of fear,” Remus explained. “If we do get married-” Sirius looked up at him with wide eyes “-I want it to be because we _want to_ , not because we feel we have to or we may never get the chance. Do you know what I mean?”

“I do,” Sirius said solemnly, trying to keep the disappointment from his voice, “Really, Moony, what you’re saying makes rational sense, it does - it’s just…”

“You don’t want to make the rational choice,” Remus said knowingly.

Sirius nodded, “When it comes to loving you, Remus, I don’t want to hold back. I want to give you everything.”

“You’ve already given me everything I need, Sirius.” Remus knew it wasn’t the answer Sirius wanted to hear, and he knew the same couldn’t be said for Sirius. He needed more, but Remus just couldn’t quite take that step yet.

Sirius took his hands and looked at him with so much love. “You’re all I need too, Remus,” he lied.

It really was a testament to how much Sirius loved him that he’d put up with Remus’s cowardice for this long, Remus thought somewhat selfishly. _Just hold on a little bit longer, Padfoot, I’m nearly there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your lovely comments! Keep 'em coming!!


	10. July 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus awaits Sirius's return from a mission for the Order. His arrival sees Remus's worst fears realized...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a loooong one, friends! I considered splitting it into two chapters, but I didn't want to break the episodic format, so enjoy!!

Remus rolled his shoulders and heard his spine pop all the way down his back. He groaned and collapsed on the couch. Recovering from the full moon was almost like nursing a hangover - and this was a particularly nasty one. This was the first month he’d skipped since he’d made contact with the wolves and while he didn’t miss them, per say, it felt strange not to be there. They’d received intell that Greyback would most likely make an appearance this month, and although it felt like cowardice, Sirius had assured him he’d made the right choice in staying away. He’d offered to stay to help Remus through the full moon, but he and James had an important mission and Remus had no intention of standing in the way. Sure, it was the first time since fifth year that he hadn’t had either his friends, parents, or other wolves surrounding him during the moon, but he’d managed just fine. The previous day he’d painstakingly cleared out the first bedroom, set up wards around the room, and barricaded himself in to transform. It wasn’t ideal, but he’d done it, and come out relatively unscathed, he thought proudly - some bruises from trying to force his way out, but the walls had received the bulk of the damage. Better the walls than his own body - it was nothing some spackle and a fresh coat of paint couldn’t solve.

All in all, Remus considered his solo transformation a success, although that didn’t mean he was up to moving at full speed that day. He shuffled slowly around the flat, going only as far as the kitchen for a fresh cup of tea before returning to the couch to curl up with a book. Now that he was idle, his only worries were his aching muscles, the characters in his book, and whether Sirius would return that night. He tried to immerse himself in the pages - _The Island of Dr. Moreau_ had been a favorite of his since he was a boy. He’d quickly graduated from children’s stories and begun to peruse his mother’s extensive bookcase for more challenging reads. He’d stumbled across this copy in a Muggle bookshop shortly after he and Sirius had moved to London. The human-animal hybrids probably should have disturbed him, but he felt a deep connection with their miserable existence, and thus it was a novel he had returned to many times throughout his life.

Today, however, the familiar words were not helping calm his nerves - if anything they had agitated them. He sighed in frustration and set the book aside. Remus knew Sirius’s return depended on how the mission went. He might be back as early as that evening, but he shouldn't be concerned if he arrived sometime over the next couple of days. Nevertheless, he couldn’t quell a suspicion that something had gone wrong. The moment he’d woken from the moon, he’d felt a seed of doubt plant itself in his chest and throughout the day it had slowly grown into a sense of dread that hung in the air around him. Remus told himself he was overreacting; it was merely because he’d normally still be in the mountains and now he had nothing to distract himself.

He dozed on the couch, subconsciously listening for any sounds that could signal a problem: the peck of an owl at the window, the _woosh_ of flames igniting in the fireplace, the near-silent rustle of a Patronus arriving to deliver a message. He certainly didn’t expect someone pounding at the door to be the sound that woke him.

The banging intensified and Remus heard muffled cries of “Remus, open up!” and he rushed to answer. He yanked open the door to find James supporting Sirius on the landing. His body went numb with shock at the sight, but he reached forward to take the rest of Sirius’s weight.

“What happened?” Remus demanded as he and James lay Sirius down on the couch Remus had so recently vacated.

James shook his head, face white as a sheet, “He was hit with something, I don’t know what.”

Remus knelt to examine him and noticed Sirius’s veins had turned dark blue along arms. He ripped open his shirt and saw that the lines extended up to his chest, converging at a point just below the right side of his collarbone. “It’s in his blood,” Remus concluded, “This must be where he was hit.” He placed a hand over the spot and the skin was hot beneath his fingers.

Sirius’s breath came in shallow gasps. He moaned and shifted in obvious discomfort. Remus had to stop his hands from clawing at his chest.

Remus turned to James, “Why didn’t you take him to St. Mungos?” He couldn’t quite keep the tone of accusation out of his voice.

“I tried, but he wouldn’t let me,” James said miserably. “He only wanted to come here. He redirected my Apparition - it’s a miracle neither of us were splinched. We were on our way to the hospital and suddenly we’re landing around the corner from your building. I don’t know how he managed it, but it seems to have worsened his condition.”

“Can’t go to Mungos,” Sirius gasped, “It’ll blow...my cover.”

“Fuck your cover,” Remus swore angrily, “Better blown than dead.”

James shifted nervously, he hated feeling helpless. “Lily’s working tonight,” he offered, “should I go?”

“I think you’d better,” Remus nodded, “I’ll try to stabilize him until you can bring her here.”

James touched Sirius’s shoulder lightly, turned to grab a handful of emerald powder from the mantle, and swiftly disappeared through the fireplace. Remus turned his attention back to Sirius, but he was at a bit of a loss about how he could best help him. Should he risk performing a healing spell when he was untrained? He had a very basic knowledge, but without knowing what had hit Sirius, he could end up doing more harm than good. Sirius moaned again and clutched at his hand and that was enough to spur Remus into action.

He began with the general counter-spell, “ _Finite Incantatem_ ,” but he doubted it would do much. He then tried, “ _Reparifors_ ,” although he suspected this was much too serious an injury for the spell to be effective. He scanned Sirius’s body for any signs of improvement or further damage, of which he found neither. Finally, Remus whispered, “ _Anapneo_ ,” the last of his limited arsenal. The spell seemed to help clear his airways and Sirius was able to breathe easier, but Remus wished he knew an unblocking spell specifically for blood. “I’m afraid that’s all I can do for now, without knowing what the curse was,” he said with regret.

“Remus…,” Sirius rasped.

Remus swallowed thickly and mopped Sirius’s sweaty brow with his sleeve, “Hopefully Lily can-”

“Remus, I love you,” Sirius said urgently.

Remus continued as if he hadn’t spoken, “H-hopefully she’s seen something like this before, she’ll know what it is - what to do…”

Tears welled in Sirius’s eyes as he whispered, “I love you, I wanted to give you so much more than this.”

Remus shook his head. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye. “This isn’t the end. This isn’t how it ends.”

“I’m sorry Remus,” Sirius closed his eyes and the tears slid down his cheeks.

Remus leaned over him and cradled his head in his hands. “You’ll be alright,” he said, trying to convince himself as much as Sirius, “You'll be alright-”

Sirius slumped in his arms as he lost consciousness. Remus gently shook him. “Sirius?!” he called desperately, “Sirius, wake up!”

His body jolted as he began to seize. Remus cried out and stepped away from him, not wanting to injure him further. He watched in agony as the man he loved bucked and flailed on the couch, his eyes rolled back in his head.

“Sirius!” Remus wailed. His body stilled and Remus approached him tentatively. Sirius coughed wetly and black blood bubbled up from his lips. When he coughed again, blood shot from his mouth and spilled down his chin, splattering his face and chest grotesquely; Remus realized he was choking on it. He frantically rolled Sirius on his side and he retched over the edge of the couch, covering the floor below with blood.

“James!” Remus roared at the fireplace behind him, not caring if he could hear him, “James, hurry!”

Miraculously, James appeared through the fire with Lily in tow.

“Don’t let him die,” he whimpered as they crossed from the hearth to the couch.

Lily assessed the scene with sharp eyes. “Stand aside,” she instructed.

Remus found that he was nearly too weak to stand and stumbled backwards into James’s arms. He helped him stand and the two clung to each other, both of them unable tear their eyes away from Sirius’s prone form.

Lily knelt before him and syphoned the blood from Sirius’s lungs with her wand. It rose up through his throat, thick, shiny, and black like a coiling snake. She bent to listen to his labored breathing. She traced the dark lines of his veins, stopping at his wrist to feel for his pulse. “I need you to hold him down,” she said to Remus and James without looking away from Sirius.

James moved to grip his legs, while Remus pressed down on his shoulders with shaking hands. Lily muttered incantations under her breath while passing her wand up and down Sirius’s body in fluid movements. Remus watched the darkness in his veins ebb and flow and he realized she was trying to extract the poison from Sirius’s body. Without warning, Lily made a sharp movement with her wand. Sirius screamed and arched off couch, but Remus and James held firm. Sirius exhaled forcefully as he fell back to the couch, and although he moaned and fought against their grip, he didn’t regain consciousness. It broke Remus’s heart to watch Sirius writhe in agony beneath his own hands, but he channeled this feeling into pushing down even harder. Lily jerked her wand again and his back arched, although his time Sirius remained silent. Still, he didn’t wake.

Lily continued reciting the incantations until Sirius went completely still.

Remus bent down to listen and felt his heart stop in horror. “He’s not breathing,” he panicked, “Why isn’t he breathing?!”

Lily faltered and checked his pulse. “I don’t know - it-it should have worked,” she turned to James, her professional demeanor giving way to unbridled sorrow, “I’m so sorry.” She rose and buried her head in James’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her and stared at Sirius with a blank expression, as if he couldn’t accept what he was seeing.

Remus suddenly couldn’t bear to touch Sirius. He backed away from the couch, feeling the cold rush of terror flood his body. He needed to get as far away from this as he could. He stumbled down the hall, looking for any escape he could find. Not the first bedroom, with its scratched walls and hastily replaced furniture; it represented the platonic facade they’d presented to the world. Not the second bedroom, with its bed sheets that smelled of them both and the early morning light that had lit Sirius up; here Sirius had been so impossibly beautiful that Remus had to catch his breath and wonder _how_ he’d ever gotten so lucky. No, no, he could never go in there again. He’d have to burn this whole place to the ground to rid himself of all the memories, perhaps with himself and Sirius still in it. _Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, as long as it's quick - and as long as I was sure I’d see you again._ Remus flung himself into the last room at the end of the hall, and collapsed in a heap on the cool tile. He leaned against the bathtub, where Sirius had once nursed him back to health after he’d been torn to shreds by his maker. Why hadn’t he taken him away from all this back then? Why hadn’t he seen that this was inevitable? That it was only a matter of time before one of them was ripped away from the other? His breath came in sharp, painful gasps. He felt as if he may pass out. Maybe he was dying. Maybe he would slip into a dark bliss where he wouldn’t feel this gaping hole that had suddenly appeared in his chest.

* * *

Lily pressed against James’s body, trying to make herself as small as possible, trying to disappear, to remove herself from this.

She had failed.

She had failed in the worst way imaginable and she didn't know how she could ever come back from this. “I'm sorry,” she whispered over and over, “James, I'm _so_ \- I'm so sorry, James.”

James merely clung to her and she could feel the rigid lines of his body, unyielding - as if he'd been calcified by shock. Lily reached up to turn his face gently towards her, away from Sirius lying motionless on the couch.

“James. Jamie, look at me, please.”

He turned to her, but she knew he was far away. His grief had cast him out into a deep ocean that she couldn't navigate. All Lily could do was hold him, hoping that her touch would be enough to bring him back.

Lily heard a prolonged intake of breath behind her and whirled around. It couldn't be - Sirius was sitting up on the couch, breathing heavily, desperately trying to get air into his lungs.

“Sirius!” she cried and James rushed to embrace him.

“Padfoot,” James said softly and cradled Sirius’s body against him. It was the first time he'd spoken since he'd brought Lily from the hospital. Lily busied herself with checking Sirius's vital signs, while both boys slowly revived themselves.

“Prongs,” Sirius pulled back. His voice was hoarse and he coughed to clear it, “Where's Moony?”

James looked around as if just realizing Remus had left the room.

“I think he went down the hall,” Lily advised, focusing on keeping her hands steady while she tended to Sirius.

James looked reluctant to leave Sirius's side, but nevertheless he offered, “I'll go get him.”

Sirius closed his eyes in relief and rested his head against the arm of the couch.

“How do you feel Sirius?” Lily asked, “Any pain?”

Sirius nodded. “In my chest,” he placed a hand on the nucleus of the curse, “It's like a burning sensation that spreads out, along my arms, down my torso…” He gestured vaguely, as if the exertion of describing his symptoms had worn him out.

* * *

Remus sat with his head in his hands, clutching somewhat desperately at his hair. He knew he was slipping and he halfheartedly attempted to ground himself in reality. Was someone calling his name? Remus couldn't bring himself to care enough to resurface.

“Moony!” James called breathlessly from the hall. When he spotted Remus on the floor he threw himself at him, all nervous energy. “Moony get up.”

“Leave me alone James,” Remus heard his own voice, hollow and foreign. He shook off James’s hands, “Sod off, will you?”

“He's alive! Remus, Sirius is alive.”

Remus looked up. “Wh-what?” he stammered, afraid he'd misunderstood. _Please don't let this be a mistake._

“He's _alive_ Moony,” James repeated, “and he's asking for you.”

Remus couldn't get up fast enough. He struggled to stand, adrenaline suddenly thrumming through his exhausted body, and James took his arm and hoisted him upright. Remus pushed past him and raced down the hall. He saw them, Lily sitting near Sirius’s feet and Sirius - Godric, he was beautiful - sitting up on the couch, as plain as day.

“Sirius!” he cried and launched himself forward. Remus fell to his knees and he was crying and Sirius was crying and then he was kissing him. He pulled Sirius into him and poured every ounce of strength and fear and love he had into the kiss. He gripped Sirius’s hair and twisted his fingers in the strands - those silky strands he thought he may never touch again. And his lips - to think he may never have kissed these lips again. Remus broke away for air, but Sirius wasn't ready to let go. “Remus,” he whimpered and pulled Remus down towards him.

“I’m here,” Remus whispered, “I’m right here.” Sirius’s hands fumbled at his hips, trying to draw him closer, and Remus allowed Sirius to pull him onto the couch with him. He shifted so Sirius’s head lay on his shoulder, cradling his shaking form between his body and the back of the couch.

“I love you,” Sirius sobbed softly. Remus ghosted his lips over Sirius’s eyes, tasting the salt of the tears lining his lashes. He held his love in his hand; his thumb traced his brow, soothed his cheekbone, and caressed his lips while his fingers brushed his hair back and his palm hugged his jaw. “I love you Remus,” Sirius said again and Remus kissed his temple.

“Shhh,” he murmured, “You’re alright, you’re alright now.”

Sirius cried into his shoulder and Remus couldn’t help it. “I thought you were gone,” he admitted his deepest fear, “I thought I was alone.”

Sirius breathed against his neck and circled his waist tighter. “I’m here too,” his voice trembled, but there was strength behind his words, “You’re not alone.”

Remus buried his face in Sirius’s hair and allowed his own tears to fall freely. They exchanged tender, tearful kisses that calmed them both. Remus breathed deeply and felt Sirius do the same against him. “Are you in pain?” he asked.

“A bit. Lily did what she could for me, but it still burns,” he touched his chest and Remus slipped his fingers beneath Sirius’s grip.

“You feel so warm,” he worried, “Is it safe?”

Sirius shrugged, “Lily said my temperature should go down as the effects of the curse wear off, but it’s really just guesswork since we still aren’t sure what it was. She said we could use Cooling Charms if I was uncomfortable, but nothing can be done about the pain. The poison has to work its way out naturally.” His eyelids began to droop and he nestled closer against Remus.

“Padfoot,” Remus said, alarmed, “are you alright?”

“Lily gave me a Sleeping Draught,” Sirius mumbled sleepily.

“No,” Remus said selfishly, “don’t leave me again.”

Sirius forced his eyes open and looked at him earnestly. “I’ll wake up Moony.”

“You’d better,” he said shakily.

“Will you be there when I do?” Sirius asked as he lay back down.

“Of course,” Remus vowed. He felt Sirius relax against him and only then did Remus look around them. Lily and James must have slipped away at some point; he could hear their whispered voices from behind him.

“Lily?” he called, “James?”

They reappeared somewhat sheepishly, Lily leading James by the hand, the latter gazing longingly back toward the safety of the kitchen. Lily beamed at the two of them entangled on the couch, but James seemed as if he didn’t know where to look and tried not to stare for too long, resulting in his gaze doing a sort of visual acrobatics around the room.

“He’s asleep,” Remus stated unnecessarily. Sirius snored softly into his chest.

Yes,” Lily said promptly, “he should be out for several hours.”

“Shall we, er,” James stammered awkwardly, “get him to bed?”

Remus nodded and carefully extracted himself from the couch - not that it mattered, he thought, Sirius was dead to the world and in no danger of waking. Remus grimaced at the poor choice of phrase and looked up in time to catch James averting his gaze once again. His heart sank, but he brushed it off. His focus was on Sirius now, he had no time to dwell on James’s reaction to their relationship.

Together, Remus and James levitated Sirius to the second bedroom, setting him gently down on the bed.

Lily lingered uncomfortably in the doorway, “I wish I could stay Remus, but I really should be getting back to the hospital.” Her remorseful look was enough to convince him of her sincerity.

“It’s alright Lily,” Remus reluctantly left the bedside to embrace her. “Thank you,” he whispered, “for saving his life.”

“Take good care of him,” she kissed his cheek, “and yourself as well.” She hugged him tightly and turned to leave with tears in her eyes.

Remus wiped his own eyes and looked expectantly at James.

“I’ll - ah - I’ll just see her out, then,” James said quickly and followed Lily out of the room.

Trying to ignore the hollow feeling creeping back into his chest, Remus crossed to the bed and gently lifted Sirius’s head. He carefully folded back the blankets beneath him and felt that Sirius’s hair was already damp with sweat at his nape. He covered Sirius solely with the top sheet and cast a Cooling Charm over him.

James knocked on door frame, his eyes were on the floor again. “Can I come in? I've just seen Lily off,” he reiterated, seemingly at a loss of what else to say.

“Thank you,” Remus looked down at Sirius, “for everything.” Despite how poorly James was taking the news of them being together, he’d brought Sirius home to him. He’d fetched Lily and she’d saved his life. Remus would be forever grateful to them, no matter what else happened from here.

“I can stay, you know,” James offered, much to Remus's surprise.

“You don't have to,” he muttered with a hint of bitterness, a bit of an edge.

“I want to,” James insisted, “For him...and for you.”

Remus turned to face him and saw James walking tentatively toward him with shining eyes. James had never been good at expressing his feelings, this was, after all, the man who’d spent the majority of his time at Hogwarts pining after Lily before realizing it’s best not antagonize the person you fancy. Yet here he was, in the wake of a tragedy, in the midst of a shocking revelation about his two best mates, laying himself bare.

Remus felt the ice around his heart melt and he crossed the room. “Prongs!” He threw himself into James’s arms and broke down; he clutched at the back of his robes and sobbed into the crook of his neck.

James caught him without missing a beat and supported the back of his head. He rocked them almost imperceptibly and spoke in soothing tones. “Hey, Moony, it's okay. He'll be alright. He's strong - he'll pull through this.”

Remus could do nothing but sob, great shuddering cries that wracked through his body. He knew he was mussing James’s robes, but he continued to cry. It was as if everything - his fear of coming out, the conflicted allegiance he felt to both the wizarding and wolf communities, the dark, looming presence of the war - all of it was pouring out of him and he was powerless to stop it.

James allowed him his sorrow; he took it all and rocked him slowly through it. He never loosened his grip, he merely stood as an anchor to help Remus weather the storm raging within him. When he sensed Remus was winding down, he ran a calming hand up and down his back. Slowly, giving Remus ample time to pull him back, James stepped away. He ducked his head  to look him in the eye, “Remus, you should try to get some sleep.”

Remus nodded wordlessly; it was about all he was capable of at the moment.

James circled his shoulders and kissed his forehead, “I'll take the couch.”

Remus had difficulty processing James’s affection after he’d acted so strangely earlier, but he collected himself enough to say, “You don't have to, you can use the spare bedroom.”

James frowned, “The spare- ah, that's right.” He blushed, “You don't sleep in that room, do you?”

Remus shook his head, “Never have. Fair warning, it’s a bit of a mess from the moon last night.”

“Alright,” James agreed, “but call me if there’s any change.”

“I will,” Remus assured him. He shut the door and quickly rid himself of his soiled clothes. He lay down next to Sirius, taking care not to disturb him. Tired as he was, Remus knew he was in for a long night. Sirius was still warm to the touch and although he was able to doze, Remus woke abruptly each time Sirius shifted or emitted a whimper into the darkness of the room.

* * *

In the morning light, Remus traced the contours of Sirius's features with his fingertips. He thought back to the old Muggle fairytales his mum used to tell him. Feeling foolish, he raised himself up to place a soft kiss on Sirius’s lips - alas, nothing. Had he honestly expected true love to break this curse?

A knock sounded at the door and Remus hurriedly ensured he was presentable before answering hoarsely, “Come in.”

James entered balancing a tray with two steaming mugs and a plate of biscuits. “Any change?” he asked and set the tray down on the bedside table next to Remus.

“Not much, although he does seem to be resting more peacefully.” Remus ran a hand through Sirius’s hair, “I cast another Cooling Charm during the night, but he's still warm.

“And how about you? Were you able to sleep at all?”

Remus shook his head.

James sighed, “I thought as much. I made tea.” He handed Remus a mug and warned, “It’s strong.”

Remus sat up against the pillows while Sirius slumbered beside him, facing the wall. He accepted it and took a grateful sip, “Bless you.”

“Do you mind if I stay?”

“Please,” Remus gestured for him to join them on the bed. James clambered over Sirius’s legs to sit against the wall. “Did you sleep?” Remus asked and passed him the second mug.

James shrugged, “A bit. That bed is pretty comfortable… So you said, you've never used it. So that means…” Remus could sense him trying to find a tactful way to ask his question, “you two've been together at least since you moved in here.”

Remus nodded but didn't elaborate. Now that some of the tension between them had vanished, he was quite enjoying watching James struggle.

He plowed on valiantly, “I thought maybe...close quarters and all, but you must have got together before you moved in.”

“James,” Remus stopped him and James looked grateful, “This isn't some fling - I love Sirius.”

“I know, I'm just - I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, the two of you.” He waited a beat, “Together.”

The sinking feeling from the night before returned and Remus wondered if all his fears were about to be realized. How would the Marauders possibly recover if James couldn’t accept them together?

James looked at him dolefully, “Why didn't you tell me?” Remus was surprised by his question. James seemed not disgusted or even awkward anymore, merely hurt and confused.

“We figured you already knew after Lily saw us at the hospital last winter.” Remus knew it was a bit of a cop-out, but he was thrown by James’s demeanor. He’d been ready for a fight, but instead James was looking at him as if he didn’t quite recognize him.

James chuckled, “She’s a woman of mystery, that one.”

“So she really didn’t say anything?” Remus said in disbelief. They’d been so sure James knew.

“Not a word,” James swore.

“It was me - I stopped Sirius from telling you. I-I was afraid, of how you'd react.”

He frowned, “And how did you think I would react?”

“Well to be honest,” Remus admitted, “kind of exactly how you're acting now.”

“How am I acting?” James seemed genuinely confused.

Remus winced, “All the awkwardness, avoiding eye contact…”

“I don't mean anything by it!” James said quickly, “But you have to admit, Moony, it's a lot to process.”

“It is,” he agreed, “and I didn't want things to change between us. I didn't want you to think differently of us. After everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve lost already...I couldn’t risk losing you too, Prongs.”

“ _Remus_ ,” James breathed and reached for his hand. Remus took it and held strong. “You don’t have to worry about that. I want to understand Moony, but you've got to give me a little more to go on. Tell me.”

Remus took a deep breath, “Alright, what do you want know?”

James grinned, “Everything.”

* * *

Remus smiled to himself, something he had thought impossible mere hours ago when the situation had been so dire. His talk with James had put everything in perspective; laying it all out like that, narrating all the obstacles they’d faced that could’ve prevented them from getting together - he’d perhaps fallen even deeper in love with Sirius. James had listened patiently, occasionally interjecting when he remembered a different version of events. He’d marveled at how restrained they’d been, how clever they’d had to be to carry on at school under everyone’s noses, especially him and Peter, without anyone suspecting. Although Remus had pointed out that James had been preoccupied with wooing Lily for much of their time at Hogwarts and James admitted that he’d been a bit of a prat back then. He’d cocked his head, calculating, and his eyebrows had risen in shock when he realized Remus and Sirius had begun dating a full year before Lily had even agreed to sit next to him at the Great Hall.

They’d watched over Sirius for most of the day and James had retired to the first bedroom now that evening had set in. Remus had assumed he’d want to get home to Lily as soon as her shift ended, but James had insisted on staying another night, explaining that Lily was always exhausted after double shifts and would probably sleep until late the next morning.

Remus lay in bed next to Sirius, fretting over how long he’d been asleep. How long was too long? What if he never woke up? Or what if he did and needed help and Remus missed it because he was asleep? As much as wanted to greet Sirius the moment he woke, he knew his body needed sleep. He was fast approaching his second sleepless night since the full moon. It was through the din of these feverish thoughts that Remus heard Sirius’s voice.

“Remus?” he groaned and turned towards him, “How long was I out?”

“Most of the day, it's night again.” Remus was so happy Sirius was awake he had to resist the urge to smother him and opted for a soft kiss instead.

“I take it they know for sure now?” Sirius murmured when they parted. When Remus merely nodded in response Sirius winced, “How'd he take it?”

“As well as can be expected - better, maybe. He's still here, actually, in the next bedroom.”

“A good sign, no doubt.” He frowned, “This feels...not how I thought it would. I thought I'd feel relieved, instead it's more…”

“Vulnerable,” Remus finished the thought. He shrugged, “Either way it's out now. No turning back.”

Sirius smirked, “Getting cold feet Lupin?”

In lieu of an answer Remus bent down to kiss him again. He captured Sirius’s lips with his own and felt Sirius yield beneath him. He marveled at Sirius’s ability to relinquish control after having been hurt so deeply; Sirius was freed completely by his trust in Remus and Remus longed for the same. Remus felt Sirius tense beneath him and he abruptly broke the kiss.

“Sirius?” Remus questioned, but Sirius merely shook his head, his pale face contorted into a grimace. He placed a hand on Remus’s chest and pushed him forcefully away, but before Remus could voice his confusion, Sirius had bolted out of bed and raced out the door. Remus followed him and saw Sirius crouched over the toilet, retching black blood.

Remus sat down beside him and brushed back his sweat-damp hair. “That’s good Padfoot,” he rubbed his back in what he hoped was a soothing way, “get it all out.”

Sirius moaned and heaved again. Neither of them realized James had entered the bathroom until he spoke, “It must be your body getting rid of the effects of the curse. Lily said this would happen.”

Remus caught his eye; Lily hadn’t said it would happen like this. James shook his head and Remus understood - no use in worrying Sirius when he was already so miserable. He kept his concerns to himself and continued rubbing Sirius’s back until he was finished. Sirius sat, weepy and trembling with his back against the tub. It was the exact the same spot in which Remus had sat not twenty four hours ago when he believed Sirius to be dead. “Come on,” Remus urged, “let's get you back to bed.”

“I think I'll stay here awhile,” Sirius slurred, utterly spent, “S'nice and cool.”

“We'll cast another Cooling Charm.” James offered him a hand, “Come now, up you get.”

Sirius didn’t take his hand but looked up at him instead. “James, are you mad at me and Remus?” His voice was painfully earnest.

“No, of course not,” James said immediately.

“Because I hated lying to you,” Sirius explained, “You're my brother, but I can't say no to Remus.” Sirius turned to Remus and Remus felt his breath catch at the intensity of Sirius’s gaze.

James looked between the two of them as if it were the first time he could truly see them, “I understand why you hid it.”

“He’s right,” Sirius’s voice broke with emotion, “It's not safe for us, for any of us.”

“But especially for you,” James added.

“Imagine what my parents would say!” Sirius cried, “Not only is their son a blood traitor, but he's dating a werewolf, _and_ he’s a fucking queer.” A tear rolled down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away, as if we were angry at his own body for betraying him. “They'd happily watch us burn. The lot of us.”

None of them could argue with that. Remus wanted so much to comfort Sirius, but he sensed this was an important moment for him and James. He remained silent and allowed James to respond.

“Sirius,” James knelt beside him, “We’re your family now - Remus, me, and Lily. I hope you know that whatever harm they do has no bearing on you. It doesn't take away from the good you're doing and you shouldn't throw yourself into danger to make up for their actions.”

Sirius laughed in spite of himself, “You're right there alongside me.”

“Yeah,” James ruffled his hair, “but I've always been a bit of an idiot.” Sirius accepted James’s help and he slowly led him back to the bedroom. Remus watched from the doorway as James tenderly tucked Sirius into bed and was struck suddenly by the idea that James would make a good father. He wasn’t sure if he and Lily were even trying, and it was probably reckless to have a baby in times like these, but the thought made him smile nonetheless.

James bumped his shoulder lightly against Remus’s on his way out the door. “He’s all yours,” he said with a sly wink.

“Get out of here,” Remus chuckled as he shut the door behind him. He curled up next to Sirius, well and truly exhausted, but too wired to relax. Remus twined his fingers with Sirius’s and buried his face in his hair.

“How long has it been since you slept?” Sirius seemed to read his mind.

Remus groaned, “Too tired to calculate the sum in my head. Two days? Two and a half?”

“Merlin,” Sirius pulled Remus’s arm tighter around him, “I’ll shut up now.”

“No,” Remus laughed, “never stop talking to me. Never leave me again.”

“Fine by me,” Sirius agreed. “Let’s never leave this room. Let’s be hermits and stay here forever - grow long beards and develop eccentric habits so no one else will bother us.”

“Oh!” Remus exclaimed and Sirius jumped in his arms. “Shit, sorry.”

“No problem, it’s not like my heart stopped last night or anything.”

“Tosser,” Remus said fondly, “No, I’ve just remembered something. It was supposed to be a surprise for when you came back, but with everything that happened, I completely forgot.”

“...well?” Sirius prompted.

“I rented a cottage, out in Wales.”

Sirius perked up, “Near where your mother is from?”

Remus shook his head, “Not too close, near Pembrokeshire, although my mum did help me find it. It’s owned by an older couple, but they don’t use it much. Actually, they may be looking to sell in the next few years, if the war keeps up-” Sirius cut him off with a searing kiss.

“Remus,” Sirius breathed, “take me away. Take me to the cottage. Let's lie on the beach, listen to the waves, kiss in the sand…” They both drifted off to visions of a future that looked a little brighter than it had before.

It felt like he’d only just shut his eyes when Remus woke to the sound of dresser drawers creaking, yet the sunlight peeking through the curtains told a different story. “Sirius?” he called groggily.

“Shh, Moony,” Sirius bent to kiss him, “Go back to sleep.”

Remus ignored him and sat up. Sirius was dressed and seemed to be preparing to leave the flat. “What are you doing?” he asked, fearing he knew the answer already.

“I’m going to headquarters,” Sirius said breezily, feigning nonchalance, “I still have to debrief.”

Remus felt the flush of anger color his cheeks, “So all the things you said last night, the cottage, that was all bollocks, was it?”

“No, but-”

He stood up from the bed, fists clenched, “How can you just go back out there as if nothing happened? As if you didn't nearly die the other night?!” Could Sirius really not know how terrified he’d been of losing him - how close they’d come?

“I know it’s dangerous,” Sirius said helplessly, “but that’s the risk. I’m doing important work.”

“How could I forget?” Remus scoffed, “You’re saving lives while I’m rubbing elbows with monsters!”

“Don’t say that - you’re making headway,” he winced when even he heard the condescension in his words, “-and since when have you thought of them as monsters?”

“They don’t trust me,” Remus crossed his arms and lowered his head so Sirius wouldn’t see the tears welling in his eyes. “They’ll never trust me if I only show up at the full moon.”

“Do you want to spend more time with them?” Sirius asked quietly.

Remus’s head shot up, eyes wide, “No! I never want to go back again! I want to stay here with you and have a life together.”

“But even if you stayed…” Sirius wore a pained expression.

“You wouldn’t,” Remus hadn’t realized this until he spoke the words, but he’d always known it to be true. “You would continue fighting, wouldn’t you?”

He nodded. “I would. I have to, and so do you.”

“This isn’t enough for you?”

“Of course it is! I’m fighting for us, Moony!” Sirius took his hands, “So that we can build the life we want together. All I want to is to be done with this and to settle down with you. But I know you, I know you couldn’t just walk away the same way I can’t.”

Remus knew he was right, and he bowed his head in defeat, letting his tears fall at last. “I think…” he paused, this had been a long time coming, really, “I think I have to go for longer periods of time - months, maybe.”

Sirius squeezed his hands, “And I won't stop you, but I don’t want you to ever think that I want this. I want you home, with me, preferably in bed.”

“I want that too,” Remus said desperately.

“Rem…” Sirius kissed his hands, “if anything happened to you, I don't know what I’d...how I’d…”

Remus laughed miserably, “We’re in the wrong line of work then.”

“I can’t lose you,” Sirius continued, “I’m not as strong as you are. It would kill me.”

“And you think I’d be fine without you?”  Remus shuddered, “I nearly lost it when I thought you were dead.”

“It would be difficult, but I think you’d go on. You’d survive, Moony.”

“What good is that if you’re not here?” Remus cried.

“You're better than I am,” Sirius whispered, “It’d be more of a tragedy if we lost you.”

Remus shook his head, horrified, “Don't you say that. And don’t sell yourself short. I am who I am because of you. Loving you, being loved by you...has made me a better man. If it weren't for you, I probably would’ve given up years ago.”

“Just promise me,” Remus glared at him and Sirius held up in hands, “I know you hate promises, but I’m putting my foot down - _promise me_ that if I don’t make it through this, you’ll live Moony. Not just survive, but really _live_ , yeah?”

Remus looked at him and found there was only one answer. “Okay,” he whispered.


	11. Jan 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Remus meet for tea while James and Sirius are in the field.

A floral scent enveloped Remus the moment he stepped from the hearth. “Moony,” Lily said warmly as she embraced him. Remus registered a slight change in her scent - it was largely the same, but rounder somehow, fuller. He dismissed it as oversensitivity due to the approaching moon and beamed at her when she pulled back.

“Hey Lil, thanks for having me.” She looked at him with such intensity that for a moment he feared she may cry. He frowned in concern, “Are you alright?”

“What? Oh! Yes, yes of course,” Lily dabbed at the corner of her eye. “It’s just hard, you know, when they’re away.”

He nodded knowingly, but didn’t entirely buy her explanation. Nonetheless he followed her into the kitchen. Ever since he’d come out to Lily and James, it had been tradition to meet Lily for tea when their partners were called away on a mission for the Order. They didn’t know where James and Sirius were or what sort of danger they may be in, and company seemed to keep them from going completely mad with worry.

“I’m glad I caught you,” Lily said as she retrieved the mugs from the cupboard. Remus sat and fiddled with the tasseled edge of the tablecloth. “How long before you leave?”

“Five days,” he answered, “just before the full moon.”

“Right,” Lily placed the steaming mugs on the table, “and you’re going for a longer spell this time?”

Remus took a sip and nodded, “Three months, my longest stint yet. I had hoped Sirius would… but nevermind, it wouldn’t make a difference even if he were here. We said everything we needed to say before he left.”

“And what exactly needed saying?” Lily arched her brow, glancing surreptitiously at his left hand for an engagement band. 

Remus blushed, having caught her meaning, “Nothing like that, just that...we love each other and, well, he said he would try to get back before I left, but we both knew the odds were slim.”

“You astound me Remus,” she smiled, “I still don’t know how you managed to convince Sirius to fly above the Seeker for so long. That boy lives for the spotlight.”

Remus chuckled, “I still can't believe you didn't tell James.”

Lily shrugged, “It wasn't my secret to tell. I figured I’d let you two come out with it in your own time.”

“It's nice,” he said earnestly, “having you two in the know. It was especially tough on Sirius, but I didn’t enjoy hiding it from James either.”

“Did you want me to tell him?” she suddenly looked alarmed.

Remus hesitated, carefully sorting out his feelings before he replied. “It… it certainly would've made things  _ easier _ …”

“James and Sirius, they have that whole brotherly bond thing going on,” Lily reached across the table for his hand, “but you know James loves you too, don't you? Loves you in your own right?”

Remus was touched by her words and had to collect himself before he spoke. “I know, but it’s nice to be reminded of it sometimes.”

“And of course I adore you as well. I warmed to you well before I even tolerated Sirius, or James for that matter.”

“Back in our Prefect days,” Remus recalled. “The feeling is mutual.” 

“You know, I still don’t really know your and Sirius’s story,” she crossed her legs in her chair and leaned forward conspiratorially. “Months of having tea together and you’ve remained thoroughly secretive about the whole affair. James told me you got together at Hogwarts, is that right?”

Remus nodded. He been dreading the day Lily asked him about this, while simultaneously hoping she’d bring it up because he knew he never would. He trusted Lily completely and now that the Kneazle was out of the bag, he supposed there was no use in putting it off any longer. “We got together in sixth year, but our first kiss was in fifth...right after Sirius… after he told Snape where to find me on the full moon.”

Remus shifted uncomfortably as she processed this information. “Severus,” Lily frowned, “Severus nearly died that night. Why would you kiss him then, of all nights?”

“I know Lily,” Remus said quickly, shame coloring his cheeks, “what he did was  _ awful _ and I shouldn’t’ve-”

“No, you misunderstood me,” Lily stopped him, “I don’t mean to judge - Godric knows James’s hands were far from clean back in those days - I just don’t see how you could forgive him for betraying you like that.”

“I didn’t think I could,” he admitted, “but in some ways it was a tipping point for us. He made such a colossal mistake and he knew it - he owned up to it. It changed him.” Remus felt a swell of pride for Sirius, who had grown so much since the heyday of their youth, which seemed like decades ago, rather than a mere few years. “It could only have gone one of two ways after that. Either it completely destroyed our friendship and we never spoke again, or-”

“Or you fell in love.” Impossibly, Lily seemed to understand. “Have you talked about it?”

“What, marriage?” Remus sighed, “A bit. Ideally we'd want to wait until after the war, when things settle down, but at this rate Merlin knows when that'll be.”

She nodded and stared wistfully into her tea. Remus was struck once again by her altered scent. “Not that,” he added urgently, “it was the wrong choice for you and James. I'm sure it's not easy, but you’re making it work.” He gestured to their flat, which was small, but airy. It felt homey to Remus in a way that few places had been throughout his life - Hogwarts was one, his flat with Sirius - and he knew that had much to do with the love that permeated each room.

Rather than comfort her, his words seemed to exacerbate her doleful mood. He watched in horror as tears began to roll down Lily's cheeks and plop into her tea.

“Lily, I'm so sorry,” he said immediately, although he hadn't the faintest idea what he'd done to elicit such a response. He scrambled to pass her his handkerchief. 

“Thank you Remus,” she blubbered, somehow retaining an air of grace even in the midst of her emotions, “No, no - it's nothing you've done. It's - oh Remus, James and I are pregnant!”

She covered her face with her hands miserably and sobbed into the cloth. Remus was struck dumb and although his brain was telling him to get up, to go over to her, to comfort her -  _ something _ \- he was quite unable to move from his chair.

“Are,” he finally found his voice after a few agonizing moments in which Lily’s sobs filled the air, “are you certain?”

Lily struggled to catch her breath, “Y-yes. About six weeks along, I had it confirmed at the hospital.”

“Oh Lily,” Remus’s concern for his friend finally spurred him into action and he circled the table to hold her close.

“I don't know what we're going to do,” she wept into his chest, “H-how can we p-possibly bring a child into this world?”

Remus searched his mind for the right thing to say, but nothing seemed to quite convey the mix of emotions he felt. On the one hand, he was excited for them; Lily and James would be the first of their group to have a baby. On the other, however, he understood Lily’s terror at the thought of her child growing up in a world so cruel and violent.

“If anyone can do it, you can, you and James. You know, I've thought for a while now that James would be a great father.”

“He will,” Lily agreed tearfully. 

“And Sirius and I will help you,” he assured her.

“Really Remus, you will?”

“Of course! That is-” he pictured himself holding an infant with clawed hands, “if you'd feel comfortable with-”

“Nevermind about that,” she swatted away his worries, “Who else will help me rein James and Sirius in? Imagine how they'll behave when presented with a miniature Marauder? They'll have him up to no good before he can even walk!”

They chuckled at that and Lily wiped her eyes. Remus pulled his chair over to her and sat down, clasping her hands. He allowed his excitement to wash through him now, “Do you know it’s a boy?”

Lily nodded and a watery smile graced her lips, “It’s okay to be happy, right? Just a wee bit?”

“Absolutely,” Remus paused, then rose from his chair with a flourish, “I dare say this calls for a celebration!”

Lily giggled as he rummaged through their cupboards and produced two crystal goblets, then dashed to the icebox to remove a large bottle of Butterbeer. He held it up, “Too alcoholic?”

Lily frowned, “Better not risk it.”

He swapped it for a flagon of Pumpkin Juice and poured them each a glass. 

“Ta, Remus,” Lily raised her goblet. 

“To Baby Potter,” Remus toasted.

“A boy destined for greatness.”

“A Quidditch prodigy,” Remus suggested.

“Perhaps Head Boy,” Lily added, “Or both!”

“The fifth Marauder,” Remus clinked her glass and they both drank.

Lily laughed and shook her head, “Heaven help us.”

* * *

 

“Do you think Dumbledore would recall Remus from his mission if we came out to the Order?” Sirius whispered. He and James lay shrouded beneath a Disillusionment Charm. It wasn't nearly as effective as James's cloak, but they’d long since passed the time where they both fit under it comfortably, and either way they could hardly bring it along with them on missions.

“Dunno,” James muttered beside him, his breath formed a small cloud between them, “Lily and I still work opposite postings.” He shifted when he detected a subtle movement across the field, but it was only a falling branch. They both kept their wands aimed at the treeline.

“Yeah, but she’s not gone for months at a time, is she?”

“Wasn’t that Remus’s choice?” He raised his brow in surrender at Sirius's sour look, “I’m only asking!”

“Perhaps if we got married…” he mused.

“Is that something you’re considering?” James asked brightly.

Sirius shook his head, “Remus won't do it until after the war.”

“But you've talked about it,” James reasoned, “that's nothing to sneeze at.” He clapped him on the back, “Cheers Padfoot.”

“Talk to me when I've a ring on my finger,” Sirius said moodily.

James paused. “Actually,” he began tentatively, as if he'd been waiting for the right moment, “I don’t know how much more fieldwork Lil and I’ll be doing.”

Sirius turned toward him, “Why's that?”

James couldn't contain his grin, although he did try, “Lily's pregnant.”

Sirius whooped without thinking and James shoved him to silence him. “Way to go Prongs,” Sirius hissed, beaming.

James smiled, “Lily's not quite as thrilled as you are. She's worried about the timing of it all, but I told her he'll have an excellent godfather to help look after him.”

“No - you're taking the piss. You truly want me as godfather?!”

James laughed, “If you’re up for it.”

“Of course I am!” Sirius would’ve hugged him if he could manage it from his angle. “Blimey, we’ll have to make sure you get home in one piece.”

James’s grin faltered when something on the horizon caught his eye.

“Is that-” Sirius squinted, “bloody hell, is that an owl?!” 

“Who’d be bloody owling us now?!” James cried angrily, “Shoot it down, Pads, it'll give away our position!”

“I can't hex an owl!”

“Just Stun it!”

“If I Stun it, it'll fall in the middle of the field. It'll look suspicious.” He took aim at the barn owl that was coming steadily closer. With precision that would've impressed Minerva McGonagall herself, his spell hit the owl square in the chest. It vanished, or very nearly vanished, visible only by a ripple in the scenery, as if a shimmering wave of heat was now descending upon them.

Sirius caught the owl on his arm and resisted the urge to throw it off immediately. It wasn't the owl's fault it had nearly blown their surveillance operation, yet his anger at the sender had settled firmly on the bird. 

James eyed it fearfully; whatever tidings it bore would no doubt be bad news. “What does it say?” he asked as Sirius unfurled the scroll and released the unfortunate bird, “Is it Lily? Remus?”

Sirius stared at the words on the page, trying dully to make sense of them. “...My father’s dead.”

James inhaled sharply and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Padfoot, I’m so sorry.”

Sirius continued looking at the page, as if it may reveal something more if he only kept his eyes on it long enough. “He's not been right ever since Reg went missing. It says he died of ‘natural causes,’ I bet you a hundred Galleons he offed himself.” He scoffed in disgust and discarded the parchment, “Coward.”

“Will you go to the funeral?”

“Doubt I’ll be invited,” he smiled wryly, “Took me off the family tree didn’t they?”

“But...Sirius,” James sounded pained, “he’s your  _ dad _ .”

Sirius merely shrugged, “I’m sick of funerals.”

“I’ll go with you if you want-” James offered.

“I’ve gone to more funerals in the last year than I can count!” Sirius struggled to keep his voice down, “And those are just the lucky ones whose bodies we found! My father -  _ my father _ ,” he repeated disdainfully, “he doesn’t deserve my sympathy, not in life and certainly not in death. They should just vanish a bunch of dirt and levitate him in there, down to rot with the worms where he belongs. No, you know who deserves a funeral?” Sirius spat bitterly, “Fucking Cardoc. And Marlene, Prongs,  _ Marlene _ . But they’ll never get one. Meanwhile my parlor will be stuffed with self-righteous arseholes spouting nonsense about how admirable Orion was, when we all bloody well know he was a sadistic narcissist who had a fetish for inflicting pain on those beneath him. Good bloody riddance!”

James stared at him with worry and Sirius realized he must sound quite unhinged.

“I'm sorry, it’s just…” He thought of their friends, so many of them gone only a few years out of Hogwarts. He and James lived in constant fear of all the terrible things that could happen to Remus and Lily, especially while they were away. They were a generation that was slowly yet steadily vanishing - waging a war that was unseen to the Muggle world, but had wreaked havoc on the Wizarding one with no end in sight. “We keep throwing ourselves out here for the cause, risking our lives, but what is it really for? It feels like we’re barely making a dent, but look at the cost! These are supposed to be the best years of our lives - instead they could be the last.”

He looked desperately at James, but the other seemed just as lost as he was - and would soon be a father on top of that, Sirius reminded himself. James spoke up after a moment, “Let's send a message to headquarters - nothing's happening here.” Sirius nodded and James put a steadying hand on his shoulder, “Maybe we can get back in time to see Remus off.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Hope you enjoyed the chapter, especially my attempt at Wizarding expressions. I wanted to let you know that I'm undertaking the NaNoWriMo challenge next month, so I may not update this story for a bit. But don't worry, I intend to see this through to the end :)


	12. October 1980

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, friends! Took a break from this, but here's the next installment. Thanks as always for reading!

The darkness of the room was disrupted by a burst of violet light, quickly followed by a more menacing flash of acid green. The colors danced across the ceiling, an echo of the battle raging elsewhere in London. Soon accompanying noises could be heard as the fighting grew nearer; the explosions resonated in Sirius’s chest, an imitation of his own pulsing heartbeat. He felt Remus flinch beside him at a particularly close sound.

“That must be only blocks away from our flat,” Remus whispered miserably.

“We should be out there!” Sirius growled in frustration.

“We’d only be in the way,” Remus reasoned.

“We don’t know that,” he argued, flashing a scowl that Remus most likely couldn’t see despite the lights that punctuated their conversation.

“You heard Dumbledore,” he answered wearily, “senior Order members only. We have to trust his judgment on this.”

Sirius sat up abruptly. “But isn’t this what we’ve been training for?’ he cried, “If we can’t be trusted to hold our own in a fight then what’s the use of all this?”

They both jumped at another explosion seemingly just down the block - this time distant screams could be heard. Remus rose beside Sirius and they held each other closer, eyes glued to the bedroom window.

“We can’t go out there, Pads,” Remus whispered when there was a lull in the noise outside, “we’d only succeed in getting ourselves killed.”

“Let’s Floo James,” Sirius conceded, “see if we can stay at his tonight.”

Remus nodded silently and began gathering their things while Sirius pulled on his clothes, trying to ignore the flush of shame he felt at running away from the fight being waged right below them.

* * *

 

“I’m so relieved you’re both alright,” Lily said and hugged them both in turn. “When we got Dumbledore’s message, we figured you would end up in the middle of it all.”

“We nearly were,” Sirius said as he released Lily and moved to hug James.

“Did you see any of the fighting?” James asked.

Remus shook his head, “We only heard it. Do you know who’s out there?”

“Dumbledore, obviously,” James said as they moved to sit on the couch, “Elphias Doge, most likely Moody as well.”

“Who else is left?” Remus wondered, “Aberforth? It can’t be just them, can it?”

“You’d be surprised how much they can accomplish between the lot of them. They’ll hold their own, I’m sure,” Lily’s voice betrayed just a hint of uncertainty.

James eyed them with concern, “Well you’re staying here tonight, there’s no way we’d let you go back into London tonight.”

“Thanks mate,” Sirius sighed. Exhaustion settled heavily in his limbs, yet he still felt a sense of restlessness at being safe on the sidelines.

“Of course,” James smiled and gestured for them to stand. He prodded the couch with his wand and it expanded into a full sized bed topped with cozy quilts and plush pillows. “It’s not much, but…” James lamented.

“It’s perfect,” Remus assured him. Before Harry was born, he and Sirius had occasionally stayed in their spare room, but it was now the nursery. “Besides, we wouldn’t dream of kicking Harry out of his room just so we could be more comfortable.”

“Doubt he’d let you, honestly,” James chuckled, “He’s generally a happy baby, but he makes himself heard loud and clear when he’s upset.”

They all shared a laugh at that and as if on cue, Harry’s cry filtered down to them. “I’ll go,” James offered. “Goodnight lads,” he called as he climbed the stairs.

“Night,” they answered in unison.

Lily smiled at them fondly, “Is there…” she failed to stifle a yawn, “anything else you need?”

“No, we’re fine,” Sirius said, “Go get some rest, Lil.”

“Thanks again,” Remus hugged her goodnight, “I do hope we’re not intruding.”

“Nonsense,” she waved his worries away, “You two are welcome in our home anytime, honestly.”

“Careful,” Remus warned, “or you’ll never get rid of him.”

“Hey!” Sirius protested.

“Nor the fleas,” he winked.

Sirius shoved him playfully and Lily laughed, “Good night!”

“Sleep well,” Sirius called before he turned on Remus. “You’re going to pay for that, Lupin!”

“Don’t you know I’m broke, Black?” Remus egged him on.

He pushed Remus onto the bed and flopped on top of him, “All too well. I don’t know why I’ve kept your free-loading arse around for this long.”

“That’s precisely why,” Remus wriggled underneath him, “because you can’t get enough of my free-loading arse.”

“Oi!” Sirius hissed when he felt Remus’s hands creeping under his shirt, “We are _not_ having sex on James’s couch!”

“He’s the one who Transfigured it into a bed,” Remus pointed out, “Why would he do that if he didn’t want us to use it?”

“Yeah, to _sleep_ , Moony,” Sirius feigned exasperation. “Honestly, you’re impossible-”

Remus kissed him into silence and broke away smiling, “I’m just taking the piss, Sirius. There’s no way I could have sex knowing Harry’s sleeping right above us.”

Sirius shrugged, “I doubt he has the processing capacity to understand much of anything at this point. Right now it’s just eat, sleep, poop, repeat.”

“Sounds a lot like Padfoot,” Remus chortled.

“Bloody right,” Sirius sat up and waved his wand around the room to extinguish the lights, “There’s no existence more pure.”

They lay in silence for a while, their banter fading to give way to heavier thoughts.

“What if they get into our flat?” Remus murmured.

Sirius found his hand in the dark, “We have our wards up, it’ll be fine.”

“I know,” Remus turned to face him, curling his body closer around Sirius, “I just think of our place like a haven, an oasis away from the war, the fighting, the wolves... It sounds foolish, but it feels like nothing can touch us there.”

“It’s not foolish,” Sirius put his arm around Remus so he could rest his head against his shoulder, “It’s where we can be ourselves.” Sirius understood Remus’s fears, but lying there, with Remus breathing deeply against his own body, he knew it didn’t matter where they were. They were each other’s haven - their love was a shield against the rest of the world. His mind wandered without his permission, settling on the things he hadn’t said, things that he desperately needed to say, especially as Remus’s next departure for the wolves was fast approaching. Every time he opened his mouth to broach the subject, Sirius could never quite get the words out...

“Sirius?” Remus’s voice broke through his thoughts.

“Hmm?” he answered indistinctly.

“Do you think I’m a coward?”

“What?” Sirius hadn’t expected that. “Moony, no! Of course not.”

“Your first instinct was to help those people,” he explained, “and mine was to run.”

“I think…” Sirius frowned, trying to find the right words to express the thoughts that were still forming in his mind, “I think you’ve faced violence far too often and I think you’re wise enough to know charging directly into the fray is not always the best course of action. I think you would’ve helped those people if you could have.”

Remus nodded, “This just...wasn’t our fight.”

“I can see that now,” Sirius admitted. His agreement seemed to placate Remus and Sirius felt him relax more deeply into the bed. Remus turned so he lay on his back, yet he kept his head on Sirius’s chest, his body pressed tightly against his side. Sirius loved the heat that radiated between them, burning along the line where they made contact. It might have been uncomfortable if it hadn’t been so grounding. He stared at the ceiling above them, feeling nothing but gratitude for the man lying by his side and wondering for perhaps the millionth time what he would do if he didn’t have Remus to steady him throughout the highs and lows they’d experienced together.

“I know we had our hearts set on the cottage,” Sirius murmured, “but maybe we should consider moving to a little village like this.” His voice pierced the silence and for a moment he worried he’d woken Remus, but he hummed his acknowledgement so Sirius continued, “London isn’t safe for us anymore, but if anything happened out at the cottage, we may not be able to call for backup in time.”

“You think a place like this is safer?” Remus asked with his eyes still closed.

Sirius nodded, “It’s the best of both - there are still people around, but it’s quiet, out of the way.There’s no reason for Death Eaters to attack here - not enough of a spectacle.”

“It’s something to think about…” Remus mumbled and Sirius could tell from his breathing that he’d drifted off. Sirius leaned his head to the side to kiss Remus’s forehead.

“Sleep well, love,” he whispered and allowed himself to submit to sleep, lulled by the rise and fall of Remus’s chest against his.

* * *

 

Sirius vaguely registered the soft sounds of the house beginning to stir when he woke - some creaks from the floor above - but his focus lay on Remus. His body was pressed flush against him, as if Remus had sought the comfort of Sirius’s body during the night and unconsciously closed the space between them until it no longer existed. Sirius breathed in the familiar scent of his hair, smiling to himself at the sheer pleasure of holding Remus in his arms. He tightened his grip around Remus’s torso and inched forward to press a feather-light kiss to the nape of his neck. He would tell him today, no matter what. No more excuses.

Sirius suddenly had the overwhelming sensation of being observed and he jolted fully awake when he realized James stood at the foot of the bed cradling a cup of coffee.

“Bloody hell,” Sirius hissed, clutching his hammering heart and carefully extricating himself from around Remus, who was miraculously still asleep.

“That was sweet,” James smirked into his cup, “I always wondered which of you was the big spoon.”

Sirius glowered at him and flipped him the bird, “We switch off.”

“You know I’m not really asking about your cuddling positions, right?” James asked suggestively. Sirius understood what he was insinuating and wanted nothing more than to wipe the shit-eating grin off James’s smug face.

“And yet,” he replied, saccharine, “my answer remains the same.”

Remus stirred in bed and turned to eye the two of them blearily. “Alright boys?” he mumbled sleepily.

“Prongs was watching us sleep,” Sirius said bluntly.

“I was making breakfast,” James protested with a laugh and returned to the kitchen as if to prove his point.

“And asking about our sex life,” Sirius added and rose from the bed to follow James. It was now he who wore a grin.

“I hardly think-” Remus began, but he was interrupted when Lily came down the stairs carrying Harry.

“Good morning,” she said cheerily as she crossed the living room and secured Harry into his highchair next to the kitchen table.

“It would be!” Sirius said dramatically, “If your perv of a husband would stop nosing his way into mine and Moony’s sex life!”

“I did nothing of the sort!” James said, a bit frantic now, realizing Sirius had the moral high ground.

“We _are_ in their house…” Remus called from the bed. He bit his lip and fidgeted anxiously as the argument played out before him.

Lily, however, seemed less concerned and joined Remus on the bed to enjoy the show.

“Oh, so just because you showed us some hospitality last night, that entitles you to ask prying questions?” Sirius wasn’t truly upset, but he relished taking the mickey out of his best friend. He would be damned if he let the opportunity to put James in his place pass him by. “And how about if I asked if you and Lily ever do anal, huh?”

Lily snorted, “He wishes!” But to Remus she muttered, “I make exceptions for birthdays and bank holidays.” Remus barked a laugh as his anxiety vanished.

James gestured wildly to Harry, “Padfoot - the baby!”

Sirius scoffed, “He can’t understand me. Admit it, James - you were being a creep.”

James looked relieved that Sirius was offering him an out. “I suppose I could’ve announced my presence, yes.”

“Bloody right you could have,” Sirius sniffed haughtily, “Besides, if you ever have questions, all you need do is ask.”

“That’s alright Padfoot, I think-”

Sirius continued as if he hadn’t spoken, “Yes, Remus and I are versatile, but I much prefer to bottom. Remus gives it to me so good that I can’t-”

“Breakfast!” James shouted to drown out Sirius’s words and began banging pots and pans rather loudly.

“-walk properly-”

“I’ll help!” Remus scrambled out of bed and rushed to assist him. Sirius decided to let James off the hook; James’s flustered motions combined with his boyfriend’s beet-red face convinced him that his point had been made.

Lily sidled up to him. “Nice one,” she said and gave him a high five.

They spent the morning with the Potters, enjoying breakfast together. Sirius offered to help feed Harry, to which Lily and James agreed with resounding enthusiasm. This maybe should’ve tipped Sirius off to how it would go, but he persisted valiantly while Remus had a good laugh over how little food made it into Harry’s mouth, with the majority smeared across his robes, caught in his hair - some even found its way into his ear.

“ _S-Scourgify_ ,” Remus cast a cleaning charm through his laughter.

To his credit, Sirius was a good sport about it. “All part of my godfatherly duties,” he insisted.

Lily and James settled onto the couch, which had been restored to its previous form, to enjoy a cup of tea and a much-needed rest, while Sirius and Remus sat on the floor and played with Harry.

“Sometimes I still can’t believe it,” Sirius smiled and produced multi-colored bubbles from the end of his wand.

“Believe what?” James asked from the couch. Harry eyed the bubbles from his place on the carpet and reached for them, but they were beyond his grasp. When he became frustrated, Remus gave him his hand instead, which Harry promptly put in his mouth. Remus looked slightly panicked, but kept his hand where it was.

“That you and Lily made a person,” Sirius replied, his eyes on Remus, “A perfect version of the both of you in one little body.” Sirius came to Remus’s rescue and scooped Harry up into his arms. Harry gurgled and latched onto Sirius’s hair, the bubbles completely forgotten.

“You’re better off with the finger, mate,” James chuckled. Lily yawned and cuddled up next to him.

Sirius managed to wrench his hair from Harry’s grip and hastily replaced it with his finger. Harry accepted it and sucked contentedly, his eyes closing.

“Are you sure this is…” Sirius turned to the couch but quickly realized both Lily and James had nodded off. He looked to Remus, who merely smiled and lifted a finger to his lips. Sirius looked down at the baby in his arms who, like his parents, had begun to drift off as well. He sat back so he could brace himself against the leg of the couch, careful not to disturb Harry. Remus moved to join him.

“This is nice, seeing you with Harry,” Remus whispered. He traced his fingers over Harry’s wispy hair, which had been red when he was born, but was beginning to darken.

Sirius smiled at Harry. “He’s fantastic, isn’t he?”

Remus only had eyes for Sirius, “You’re so good with him.”

“So are you,” Sirius turned to him, “Have you ever thought about it, being a father?”

“Never thought I’d get the chance,” Remus frowned, “So few weres conceive children, there’s not a lot of research to rule out that lycanthropy is passed down genetically. I suppose it’s a blessing, really, being with you. This way, I’m not missing out on anything and my potential child is spared from inheriting my curse.”

“But it wouldn’t have to be a curse,” Sirius proposed, “if he were born with it. You could teach him - he wouldn’t have to be ashamed of it.”

“He?” Remus smiled.

Sirius blushed, “Hypothetically.”

“This is something you’ve thought about?” Remus questioned.

“Yeah,” Sirius answered, “I’ve seen the way you look at Harry - at Lily and James. I think you want a family more than you let yourself admit.”

Remus shook his head, “It’s not worth the risk.”

“But if you could somehow,” Sirius prompted, “with no risk involved…”

“Yes,” Remus said with little hesitation. “Yes, I’d want to be a father.”

Sirius gazed at him, sadness reflected in his eyes, “I wish I could give that to you, Rem. I’d do it if I could - I’d carry your child. I just wish we had the option; have sex and bam - nine months later you go home with a baby. Simple.”

“I doubt Lily would agree with your description,” Remus chuckled.

“You know what I mean!” his voice carried a bit more than he intended and they both froze as Harry shifted in Sirius’s arms. To their relief, he settled back in without waking.

“I do,” Remus glanced up to the couch where Lily and James remained fast asleep. “Maybe we’re just not meant to have that.”

“We could adopt,” Sirius suggested, “I’m sure this war has bred plenty of orphans who need a home, and two loving parents.”

“You’d - you’d really want that?” Remus said in disbelief.

“Yes. I want to raise a child with you, Remus.”

Remus looked at him a moment, stunned. “After the war is over,” he qualified.

“Okay,” Sirius agreed, “but we can’t put our lives on hold forever, you know.”

“I know. But for now - this - us, it’s enough for me,” Remus leaned in to kiss him softly, with Harry nestled in between them, “More than enough.”

Suddenly, the presence of a silver phoenix broke the calm in the living room.

“The threat is over,” the phoenix spoke in Albus Dumbledore’s voice, “it is safe to return to London.”

* * *

 

They bade Lily and James goodbye, but opted to Apparate to the alley around the corner from their flat, rather than Floo directly there. Despite getting the all-clear, Sirius and Remus silently agreed that it was best to proceed with caution. If Sirius had had his way, he would’ve had his wand at the ready the moment they landed, but Remus gave him a warning look and he reluctantly stowed it within his jacket - one of the drawbacks of living in Muggle London. Once they made it through the front door and began creeping slowly up the stairs, Sirius couldn’t take it anymore. He whipped out his wand and performed a scanning spell for lingering traces of dark magic.

“The wards seem to be intact,” Remus said quietly from behind him. Sirius turned and to his surprise, he saw Remus had drawn his wand as well. They ascended the last flight in silence; at this point being caught by their Muggle neighbors was the least of their worries.

Sirius gingerly opened the door to their flat and breathed an involuntary sigh of relief when they entered to find nothing amiss. Remus was spot on, this place had become a haven of sorts, and Sirius realized now that they’d come so close how devastating it would have been if it had been tainted by the war’s insidious presence.

Remus shut the door behind them, then crossed the living room to sink gratefully onto the couch. He flicked his wand and flames burst within the fireplace, crackling merrily and easing the tension from the room.

Sirius, however, hovered anxiously near the kitchen. He bit his lip and blurted, “I have to tell you something.”

Remus's eyebrow arched with curiosity, “What is it?” He craned his neck to face him, but didn’t rise from the couch, apparently unmoved by the gravity of Sirius’s tone.

“I was approached with a mission,” Sirius admitted.

That warranted a full turn from where he sat. “Approached?” Remus echoed, “By whom, Dumbledore?”

“No,” Sirius shook his head and circled the couch to sit beside him, “Moody and some of the other Aurors.”

“So this isn’t Order-sanctioned?” Remus clarified, “This is coming from the Ministry?”

“The Department of Magical Law Enforcement, yes.”

“Do you realize how dangerous that it is, working for the Ministry?” The fire seemed to glow brighter as Remus’s anger flared, “We don’t know who among them is truly for our side.”

“They’re Aurors, so I assume they’re not too keen on Death Eaters,” Sirius argued.

“I know you’re not that naive.” Remus sighed heavily, his relief at being home waning, “What would it entail?”

“It’s undercover work. I-” Sirius’s gaze flickered down to his lap in shame, “I’d need to go away.”

“For how long?” Remus’s eyes bore into him.

“I don’t know. If it goes well…” Sirius finally submitted and met Remus’s gaze, “it could be quite a while.”

“Where would you be?” Remus demanded, “Could I come and see you?”

Sirius winced, “I wish I could tell you more, but any details could jeopardize your safety, as well as mine.”

“You’ve already accepted, haven’t you?” Remus sounded hurt, disappointed, but - much to Sirus’s dismay - not surprised at the betrayal.

“Remus-” he tried to explain, but Remus cut him off.

“I can’t believe you would make this decision without discussing it with me!” He shot up from the couch and began pacing the length of the room in frustration.

“You’ve been away!” Sirius wailed, though he knew it wasn’t a sound excuse, “And you’re about to leave again. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines.”

“You’re out there too!” Remus gestured wildly to the window, toward the world beyond them, “You’re constantly on missions for the Order!”

“But then I have to come home to this empty flat,” Sirius stood too, halfway between anger and sorrow, “I’m caught in an endless cycle of waiting for you to come home and then counting the seconds dreading when you leave again. That’s not living, Moony, can’t you see that?”

Remus seemed to have a moment of understanding, but he shook his head as if to banish it. “Please don’t do this,” he implored and clutched at Sirius’s hand.

“You’ve been doing it all this time,” Sirius held firm, “now it’s my turn.”

Remus searched his eyes for any sign that he could be persuaded to stay, but all he found was steely resolution. He dropped Sirius’s hand and backed away several paces, before storming down the hall and shutting the bedroom door loudly.

Over the next few days, they moved carefully around each other, merely orbiting each other. They hardly spoke even as they sat at the table to eat dinner together and Remus shut Sirius out of the second bedroom each night. Sirius resigned himself to sleeping in the spare room - he deserved it, he knew. But on the night before Remus left, Sirius rose from bed and, almost as if in a dream, crept into bed beside him. Remus didn’t speak, didn’t turn around, but he took Sirius’s hand and held it.

Or perhaps he had only imagined that. When Sirius woke the next morning, it was to an empty bed; the sunlight streaming through the blinds only highlighted Remus’s absence.


End file.
